Feeling Good/Feeling Bad...or All About God?

I have been saying (and praying) for years for God to be first in my life, in prayer and in action.  I know that God has put this desire in my heart and brought me a long way on the journey that never ends.  But I have been struggling for quite some time now (or many years, but only fairly recently has God been drawing my attention to it) with a flip-flopping that I am not happy about.

There have been many times in the past, when my spiritual life has been particularly intense, that sometimes I back off from intimacy with God (but God always draws me back...eventually). Lately God has been bringing to my awareness something that has been going on for a long time.  When I feel most available to and "used by" God in prayer or in spiritual direction or in helping someone do something or in posting a blog or any other action that I feel good about, then I back off, distance myself from others and even from God, and certainly from feeling good about what has occurred, sometimes even sabotaging the delight/pleasure of the moment to the detriment of my health and/or sense of wholeness.

It feels to me as if my "old self image" (of being broken by abuse) is determined to cancel out who I know God has been creating me to be, my “new self in Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:17). I believe this is a cleansing of the old self image(s), and I do have a deep sense of God working even in the sabotaging. And as I look back over many years of spiritual journey and healing, I see how God has worked even in the lowest places of my life, including destructive behaviors and much sabotaging. So I can only pray for God continue drawing me into being free/available for service as and when God pleases. I know I cannot even make willingness happen, only pray for and respond when I have it, and pray and be gentle with myself when I don't.

And as I have been writing this, I have realized that "feeling good" about something God has done is my ego judging, just as much as is feeling bad about distancing behaviors. I want my life to be all about God instead of "all about me." I know that because I am human (and definitely not my Creator!), I will never “do it” (spiritual life, housework, blogging, service, or anything else) to my perfectionist standards.  Letting go of perfectionism and of constantly evaluating/judging what is good or bad is a long process, very freeing, but even that is not in my power to make happen.  And accepting that, as offensive to my ego as that is, is also something with which I need God’s help.  I surrender, God!

Justice Spinning (Casey, Amanda, Memphis Three, Troy)

I've been thinking a lot about our "justice system" as the media have covered the cases of Casey (and Caylee), Amanda (and Meredith), the Memphis Three and Troy (and the police officer he said he didn't kill).    It seems to me that we have come a long way from being able to trust that our justice system is actually discovering truth and dealing out just consequences for proven actions.  The media coverage of these cases (including social media) seems to have taken on a role in influencing the outcomes of trials, and certainly the lives of those accused whether acquitted or convicted.  And certainly money and access to media  seem to have become important in the eyes of the lawyers, judges, and jurors.  Family members and friends and people who had opinions spent enormous amounts of money, time and energy to free those they said were innocent;  law enforcement and the justice system spent enormous amounts of money trying to prove they were guilty, all in the name of justice.

I am puzzled by Meredith's family continuing to insist that Amanda and Rafaele murdered Meredith, saying that they still believe that Meredith was killed by these two (and not Rudy Guede who is in prison for having killed her).  I am puzzled by Mark MacPhail's widow continuing to insist that Troy Davis killed her husband, even though so many of the "eyewitnesses" have recanted their testimony.  I am puzzled by the death threats against Casey Anthony after her acquittal. I am puzzled by so many of us having opinions about the innocence or guilt based on our intuitions about these cases.  I know that I was participating by following these cases.  And I know that I often have opinions about situations based on my perceptions and intuition.  So I'm not claiming to be outside the problem here.

Obviously I cannot know whether any of these were indeed innocent of the crimes for which they were tried (and in Troy's case, for which he was executed).  I prayed that Amanda (and Rafaele) would be released if they are innocent.  And I hope they are....but I find myself hesitant to say I know they are innocent.  Yet I would rather they be released if they were guilty than imprisoned if they were innocent.  And I believe that God knows the truth, perhaps even more deeply than they do.

Our human justice system appears more and more to be distorted by  money and competing interests and media influence.  "Lady Justice" no longer seems to be blind. I do know people who have been acquitted justly, but I also know people who have been convicted and punished unjustly.  But overall I find myself (and I'm not alone), not trusting the justice system, not trusting politicians (most of whom are lawyers....), not trusting government or the political process.

Our concept of justice has evolved from earliest understandings that truth must be discovered and actions must have appropriate consequences, for the sake of the whole community.  We say that God is just and fair (but also merciful, thank You), and that is very important to our understanding of who God is and why we can/should trust God. My trust in God is sometimes challenged  in the light of evil I see done and inherent in our power structures.  We no longer (in  most countries) require "an eye for an eye."  But when we see boundaries violated in ways that come under the jurisdiction of the law, we hope for truth and just punishment.

Yet does our justice system function to provide that?  Some of the time, yet, but we hear so many stories of prisoners who learn new ways of violence from other prisoners, and of abuses and suffering.  We hear about tremendous profits from human trafficking, fraud, outrageous bonuses, drugs, slave labor and poor working conditions, and about other wrongs like bullying that is not stopped, domestic violence, disproportional incarceration of African-American men, and many other wrongs,  I am sometimes tempted to despair when I see so much injustice, and so much apparent distortion of values and power and uses of money.  I also have to look at ways that I benefit from or participate in abusive systems of power and systemic damage to the environment, the economy and to justice.  But I always come back to remembering that I believe God to be both just and merciful, more powerful than human systems, able "by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than we can ask or imagine," (Ephesians 3:20) and I am renewed in my commitment to "do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).

Why is sharing my writing so scary?

I love to write, and I do write a lot.  But I am hitting some resistance about writing and "publishing" my blog on a regular basis.  I feel big waves of fear when I think about publishing some of the short pieces I have written, or the books that are in my head to write.  It really feels like sharing my writing is the spiritual equivalent of taking my clothes off in public. 

I have read that lots of writers feel this way, and I have read writers talking about this.  Natatlie Goldberg say "we have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say."  (Writing Down the Bones)  And that is hard, a lot like the degrees of difficulty of pursuing the spiritual life.  But I have come to believe that no matter what awful things are in my heart, God loves and accepts me just the way I am--although always challenging me to keep growing into new life.  So I guess I am afraid that "my readers" won't approve, like what I have to say, really "get" what I want them to hear.  Hmm, looks like a control issue to me. 

I wonder if letting my words go out into the world, for whatever purpose they serve, is somewhat analogous to what happens when I pray, that God responds not so much to what I ask for as by revealing to me what changes in me need to happen in order for me to keep growing.  So I pray and I listen; if I publish, I may hear criticism or dislikes that will challenge me as a writer.  Maybe writing without ever publishing is like only praying petitionary prayers and never listening for what God has to say?

I am going to publish this blog, right now!  (Well, after I proof it!)  I am not sharing this in the hopes that people will say "there, there, you're a fine writer," but because this is where I am struggling spiritually. And I am hoping that putting this out for anyone to read will help me begin to let go of my fears of being naked in publish (but I promise, I WILL keep my clothes on1).

Nugget for Reflection - The Prayer of Silence

Companions,

The wise tell us that God abides

In silence.

That God speaks in the silent serenity

of the heart.

Let us not speak of silence,

Rather, let silence speak to us

of God.

 

Together,

let us enter through the door of serenity,

the silence of our hearts.

 

The chatter of our tears, our angers, our anxiety,

the chatter of our desires and curiosity,

of our projected plans and unfinished work

falls away in serenity

and makes space.

An open space

to a new heart,

Created in the silence of prayer.

Created in the prayer of silence.

 

A heart that is free,

peaceful, quiet, and calm.

A heart that is one.

 

A heart so large and wide

that it embraces the God of all and the all of God.

The God who in silence speaks all languages.

The God who in silence speaks in all creatures.

The God who in silence speaks one word.

The God who speaks of Love.

 

Source: Benedictine Monks of Weston Priory

Getting Out of God's Way

I think too much.  And I often catch myself looking for "rules," magic formulas for being acceptable or belonging or being "good."  And I am often distracted from action by a thought or a phrase or a word that sets my mind going.  I wear out my mind way more often than I wear out my body.  I have been aware for a long time that God wants more from me than my over-active head,

I also don't really know much about how to play--spontaneous, completely-in-the-moment enjoyment of just about anything that does not require processing, planning, or productivity.  The one activity that has been consistently a source of relaxation is reading fiction--not even "good" fiction, but murder mysteries, fantasy, science fiction (yes, I know, that's "in my mind" again...God's working on this!).  I also read some books over and over; I call this "babysitting reading," because it helps me stop thinking so much and working on who I think I should be.

I'm recovering from being addicted to working on myself--trying to change those things that I can't accept or that I perceive as getting in the way of who I think God is creating me to be.  This includes processing, looking for answers in self-help books, other people's stories, even "prayer" that focuses too much on me and not enough on God or those for whom I know I am directed to pray.

It's been coming to my attention that these patterns (and probably many others) have a lot more to do with the self-image that I cherish as my identity than with being truly free for God to do with me as God desires for God's purposes.  That self-image includes many labels from the past, many from the culture around me, and some from wishful thinking.  I've tried to let go of many of these (which has required much thinking!), and to surrender others that I cling to for God to do the removal. And God has granted much relief. 

But I still notice myself trying to figure out where God is going with me, what will be the results of this or that action, why things happen (in my life and in the world).  What if I just show up, stay present in the moment and in all of my being (body and emotions as well as mind), and trust God to be God (instead of trying the do-it-yourself way, such a temptation to try to be God rather than being God's creature)?  It's a scary thought, but it also looks like it might be way less of a burden than trying to think my way out of....whatever.

I want more than anything to love God and be present to God for whatever God wants to do with me--and no, I can't think my way into loving God more, either.  God, help me love you and STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.

A Nugget for Reflection - Being Still with God as healing

From an excellent book I am enjoying a great deal, Listening for the Soul: Pastoral Care and Spiritual Direction, by Jean Stairs.  I will be posting a review once I have finished reading it, but this quote jumped out at me this morning:

"Quieting down and focusing long enough to listen to the voice of God within us and within our noisy circumstances is perhaps one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and others at a time when we feel held against our will by the force of hurried living.  It is the apparent incongruity with the whole direction of modern life that make contemplation profoundly healing.  No longer should contemplation be an optional item on a list of things to do, but it should be seen as the breath of life for us and others." (p. 42)

I will be posting more quotes from this book!

MUST.SLOW.DOWN

I thought I had slowed down quite a bit, as I have crafted/am crafting a container for my life that includes a lot of silence and stillness.  But I have been hearing lately in prayer (and as I pray about signals my body is giving me, yes, I'm getting older but I think there is also a message here...) that I need to slow down even more.  Lately this includes noticing when I am gobbling books on spirituality or theology, or when I have spent too much time on Facebook or other electronic connections, while not paying attention to things in my "container" that need to be done.  I am also noticing that multi-tasking and trying to accomplish work too quickly is feeling more and more contradictory of what I know about what nourishes my health (spiritually as well as physically). (Excuse me while I take some calls and answer some emails....)

As I look back, I see many little lessons that have pointed in this direction.  Many years ago, I used to walk to work in DC and noticed that I was rushing through the blocks and then waiting impatiently for the pedestrian signal to change.  I experimented a few times with walking at my natural pace (much slower than when I rushed) and discovered I actually got to work more quickly and less exhausted, as well as enjoying the walk more and noticing things I missed when I was rushing.  And I remember a number of times when, because I did not allow enough time to get things done, I rushed and lost or broke or failed or even fell and hurt myself.  I also get anxious when I know I have to rush, and am learning to allow more time; and sometimes I get places early and calm but I used to (and sometimes still do) get there rushed and on the verge of late and not as present as I would like to be.

I have stepped away from a number of activities over the past several years, from volunteering and from church committees and from being part of a lot of organizations.  I always struggle with whether I am being irresponsible and putting pressure on other people to step up to do things I am not doing (and if that is true, I am sorry and would like to hear about it).  But I also know that when I have too many commitments outside of work and the ministry of spiritual direction, I am not being fully present to the activities I do out of a sense of "should," so I don't do them well or with intention, and then I am also frazzled with the things I am called to do.  So I have to balance, over time, what I feel called to do (and these activities are not about making me happy, sometimes I am called to do things I really don't want to do) and what other people would like me to do, with protecting the quiet time I need to be the spiritual director I believe I am called to be, present and attentive and as free of my own "stuff" as possible when I meet with people.

How do you balance taking the time you need to be present and attentive to your soul and to God with your responsibilities to other people?

Jesus OR? Christianity???

I read one of Brian McLaren's questions last night in A New Kind of Christianity, and it brought together a whole lot of ideas I have been thinking about for quite a while, for myself personally, and as a spiritual director.

"How does spiritual formation in the way of Jesus differ from religious education in the way of Christianity?" (p. 170).

A few years ago, I was listening to a directee share about difficulties he was encountering with participating in institutional Christianity.  And I have had many of the same difficulties.  Then he asked me, "so what keeps you connected to Christianity?"  The answer popped out of my mouth so fast, both of us were startled:  "It's Jesus!"  I have continued to reflect on the deep truth of that answer for me and for who I believe God is calling me to be.  My own journey as a follower of Jesus began during a prayer group (40 years ago last month), when my inner being felt overwhelmed by love that I knew, without any doubt, was that of Jesus for me.  That experience of deep, unconditional, unmerited and consistent Love has been the "touchstone" of my journey as a Christian.

Lately, I (and many other people) are finding that it can be embarrassing to identify as a Christian:  there are so many ways that some Christians and some churches are demonstrating hate, judgment, rejection of anyone who is different, scandalous/abusive behavior, greed....the list could go on.  I looked for a quote I have heard attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, "I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  (The attribution to him is disputed, but it is still a good quote!)

So, back to McLaren's question:  how do I become more like Jesus?  How do I "live Christ," or, as Paul said, what does it look like to say "I have been crucified with Christ and yet I am alive; yet it is no longer I, but Christ living me."  (Galatians 5:19b-20)  I know I can only to do that, only one moment at a time, and only by the continuing grace of God.  I do need the fellowship of other followers of Jesus, in the church I attend, in the church as "the body of Christ" (locally and globally, past, present, and future), and with other seekers who yearn to know God deeply, whatever that looks like for and in them. 

When I focus on Jesus and who he calls me to be, the many problems I have with the institutional church and with "Christians" whose behavior makes me cringe (as I am sure my behavior does for others at times!), become the background, not the foreground, of what it means for me to be a follower of Jesus.  What if the goal of church could become, as McLaren says on the same page, "not simply to pump knowledge into people, but to train them in the "way of love," so they may do the "work of the Lord," empowered by the Holy Spirity, as the embodiment of Christ."?

What do YOU think?

Rubber Meeting the Road, on days when being faithful is hard

I am being reminded in prayer (again) that the reason I am blogging and developing my spiritual direction practice is because I feel called to these ministries.  I get tangled up in worrying about whether I will be successful or if I may have made a mistake in discerning my calling, or maybe no one really wants what I have to offer (an old voice in my head, the tape of which I sense God trying to erase).  I am not writing this today because I am trying to elicit responses, but because I need to be reminded that my only criteria for "success" is whether or not I am being faithful to what I believe God wants me to do.  I need to speak this truth for myself and as a witness, today, for anyone who reads this, to the challenges of setting aside all other criteria.  Doubt, distraction, fear, anxiety, all compete for my attention with the still, small voice I trust is coming from God. 

I believe that God is affirming my call in many small ways, drawing my attention to books I need to read, ways I need to reach out, prayers I need to pray.  I also am connecting to a number of people, my pastor, my spiritual director, spiritual friends, other spiritual directors, who affirm what I am doing.  I have to trust one moment at a time and keep responding to the guidance I receive in prayer and from others.  How seductive it is to long for approval, numbers, acclaim, "success" in the way the world defines it, and how utterly distracting it is from who God is calling me to be when I move toward those markers.

The quote below is one I have returned to over and over since one of my spiritual directors, many years ago, gave me her copy of Evelyn Underhill's The Spiritual Life. I need to read this again often at this stage of my journey:

"Our place is not the auditorium but the stage—or, as the case may be, the field, workshop, study, laboratory—because we ourselves form part of the creative apparatus of God, or at least are meant to form part of the creative apparatus of God. He made us in order to use us, and use us in the most profitable way; for His purpose, not ours. To live a spiritual life means subordinating all other interests to that single fact. Sometimes our positions seems to be that of tools; taken up when wanted, used in ways which we had not expected for an object on which our opinion is not asked, and then laid down. Sometimes we are the currency used in some great operation, of which the purpose is not revealed to us. Sometimes we are servants, left year in, year out to the same monotonous job. Sometimes we are conscious fellow-workers with the Perfect, striving to bring the Kingdom in. But whatever our particular place or job may be, it means the austere conditions of the workshop, not the free-lance activities of the messy but well-meaning amateur; clocking in at the right time and tending the machine in the right way. Sometimes, perhaps, carrying on for years with a machine we do not very well understand and do not enjoy; because it needs doing, and no one else is available. Or accepting the situation quite quietly, when a job we felt that we were managing excellently is taken away. Taking responsibility if we are called to it, or just bringing the workers their dinner, cleaning and sharpening the tools. All self-willed choices and obstinacy drained out of what we thought to be our work; so that it becomes more and more God’s work in us."

Believing Impossible Things at the Same Time

I have been reading Richard Rohr's The Naked Now:  Learning to See as the Mystics See, and last Friday and Saturday I joined a sold-out crowd of other spiritual directors, ministers, and seekers, to hear him "unpack" his call to spirituality that is contemplative and non-dualistic.  I  (and many others) sense he is on to something as he writes and speaks about the need for both dualistic and non-dualistic thinking, about the importance of contemplative practice for moving beyond the "pigeonholes" of duality.

Duality is either/or, comparative, labelling thinking, that we need as we grow up and discover who we are in the world around us.  We can't know what "short" is unless we know what "tall" is; we can't know what "up" means unless we learn what the word "down" means.  We need these words and many others to try to make some sense of the world and who we are in relation to that world.  The problem with duality comes, as Richard says, when we confuse words with reality: we become imprisoned in the illusion that our words are adequate to describe the essence of things.  And the tragedy of dualistic thinking is that we use it to label and judge and distance people and groups and values, so that we believe we are "in," they are "out," we are "right," and they are "wrong," we are "good" and they are "bad."  These distinctions can help us feel superior, safe, better about our selves (that we know deep down are really not that different from the "other").  But they are also terribly limiting...how do we transcend the boxes in which we find ourselves trapped?

What if that was what Jesus was trying to teach us when he said things like "anyone who wants to become great among you must be your servant, and anyone who wants to be first among you must be your slave" (Matthew 20:25, referring back to the story of those who "unfairly" received the same wage for working one hour as those who had worked all day, verses 1-16)?  And the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) is full of sayings that are so hard to understand that most of us for most of Christian history, have thought, "oh, that's nice" while we bypassed trying to hear what Jesus was calling us to: a life that goes beyond the labels of words, the categories that make us comfortable, the fuller, more abundant life that God was calling us to in that ultimate paradox of God becoming human, as a BABY (how fragile, how risky, how very strange).

Jesus the teacher of non-duality, trying to get us to transcend (go beyond the limits of) our labels and categories and comfort zones: what a concept!  And how hard it has been for us to "get it."  So hard, in fact, that his ultimate act of non-duality was to accept crucifixion as a consequence of his love for us, and then, THEN, come back to life after his disciples thought their world had ended.  And we have had such a hard time understanding the deep implications of this, that (among other ways of trying to understand), Catholics have focused on the crucifixion (using the crucifix for all images of the Cross) and Protestants have focused on the resurrection (the "empty" Cross).

I'm not saying I really "get" the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus more than anyone else.  But it's where words fail me and I have moments of utter awe and glimmers of how great Jesus' love for me, you, the world, was/is, to take his commitment to us to that extreme, that I move, a little, out of the boxes and categories into an experience, even if it's just for a split second, of just how much God loves me--and you, and the world.  And that's also where contemplative prayer, just sitting and focusing on God, brings me, beyond the words to the deeper reality that words can never adequately express.  That practice, which is simple but never easy, has become the "place" to which God keeps drawing me back, to reach the deepest parts of my being, beyond words.  I long for companions with whom to share this practice; will you join me, once in a while?

Wait, wait, God, I'm not "perfect" yet!

Over the past several months, I have been sensing God nudging me to do the footwork toward making spiritual direction, retreat design/leadership, and education a much bigger focus of my time and energy.  I have been following this call for almost 30 years now, and it has been an amazing journey, with so many providential opportunities and connections, I can't even count them.  Thank you, God!

But now that it is time to go out and offer these gifts to leaders and other spiritual directors and organizations, I keep balking and discovering in me fears and pride and my image of what it means to be "made in the image of God" (and I'm not there yet!).  And the thought of asking people for donations so that I may remain available for this ministry (because otherwise I need to look for another job....), has been really scary!  (I'm still wrestling with that one!) And what if--people don't like me, judge me because of ways I don't fit the socially-acceptable standards of appearance, don't want what I have to offer, reject me?  What if?

So, do I really believe I am called, equipped, and being sent out to accompany others on their spiritual journeys?  Do I really believe that all the gifts God has given me have value for others and that "my deep gladness [can meet] the world's deep hunger"? (Frederick Buechner, in Wishful Thinking)  Do I really believe that "if we have sown spiritual good among you, is it too much if we reap your material benefits" (I Cor 9:11, a verse I have not thought of or read for many years until this moment!)?

My passion for growing spiritually (through prayer, reading, writing, studying) has always had as its purpose  the deep call I sensed to walk with others as they seek their own growth.  And I have always believed that "to each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good" (I Cor 12:7)  So I am making the calls and showing up for the meetings and each time, I sense that I am where God wants me to be in that moment--and the people I am meeting with seem to feel the same way, as they are responding to me with grace and openness.  I give thanks for each one, how much you are blessing me!

Several years ago, I was fussing at God over some trait in me that I could just not seem to change, and I heard, deep within me, very gently and with a sense that I was being lovingly laughed at, "You know, it's my job to create people in my image."  And I've been doing a lot of work in the past couple of years around accepting that I am not perfect, never will be, and in fact was not created to be perfect (as the world defines it).  (In particular, Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection was tremendously helpful with that.)  So today and tomorrow and every day I will seek God's guidance and follow it boldly and prayerfully.

What's holding YOU back from being all that God is creating you to be?  I'd love to hear from you!

A Single Eye on God's Love

I have a very hard time sleeping--or rather, I have a hard time getting to sleep.  I have been realizing lately that this may be due, in part, to how hard it is for me to let go of trying; as long as I am awake, I might, just might, reach that elusive moment where I am satisfied--with my self, with my life, in my body.  In my heart I know this is completely unattainable, but my "monkey mind" keeps insisting if I try just a little harder, think a little more deeply, read just one more paragraph, even pray just a little harder, I WILL "get there."

Last night my "last paragraph" was in Richard Rohr's The Naked Eye:  Seeing as the Mystics See.  It's not as if I have never heard this before, but these sentences struck "home":

God does not love us because we are that good.  God loves us because God is good.  That changes everything. (p. 79)

You mean God loves me as imperfect, unfinished, fearful, anxious, as I know myself to be?  You mean I don't have to EARN God's love?

Somehow (grace, maybe?) I heard this at a deeper level last night.  And as I was going to sleep, I kept re-focusing on God's love.  My body and my mind relaxed deeply, my restless heart resting in God.  As I woke rested this morning, I continued this focus.  I know I will have to let God draw me back, over and over, to that single focus on God's love through which all else shifts into divine balance.  I know I am not capable of keeping that focus--but I don't have to be the one to make it happen.

Lord, help me focus my single eye on your love today, in all that I do (or don't do), trusting in your love as the ground of my being.  Let all my choices today be made from knowing you love me as I am, as you are creating me to be, not as I try (and fail) to make myself in the image I have of the person who would earn your love.  Into your care, Lord.

Contemplative on the Run?

I am recognizing that I am struggling with what may be irreconcilable  "pressures."  My desire has grown over many years to put God and prayer and spiritual growth before everything else, and that includes time each day in silence, seeking to hear more than to tell God.  Yet I keep observing myself rushing around, often driven by anxiety and feeling pressure to do more, be more, have more (credentials, knowledge, approval, as well as "stuff").  I had an image yesterday that led to today's title, of a monk (or monks) rushing around trying to Get Things Done--it made me giggle, but it also made me stop and think.

In the online course I took earlier this year, Brene Brown says "the opposite of living in the present is busy," and muses about what it would be like to live on a human scale instead of constantly pushing to live beyond it, in ways that are not sustainable for human beings.  Kind of radical, countercultural kind of thinking--which would require a lot of choosing and saying no to things that push me beyond human scale.  But I really want to live in the present and to be present.

I am hearing in prayer that I must slow down in order to be who God is creating me to be, let my time for being in God's presence not be overwhelmed by the pressure to Get Things Done, especially for my boss.  This is particularly challenging because I have a "part-time" job working for someone whose rhythm is: have an idea, do it yesterday, and always have more going on than can possibly get done.  But I am also becoming more aware of what feels like damage to my soul and body and calling each time I get caught up in the "rat-race"--and I'm only working part-time.  OK, God, I can see we're going to be working on this together a LOT, and I'm depending on you to guide me in how to navigate these streams going in opposite directions.

Short and Sweet and Often, that's what I need to do here

As so often happens with me, I have gotten tangled up in wanting to write long blogs,wanting them to be perfect, not having time to really focus, and then putting it off.  I want to start doing short frequent blogs.

What's happening with me?  Good stuff!

I'm working at developing my spiritual direction practice: meeting with other spiritual directors (for a possible peer group and for networking, introducing myself to possible referral sources, and talking to people at my church (Ginter Park Baptist Church) so they know more of what I am up to.

I'm getting my new house in order, now have a very comfortable and lovely office/writing room.  Here are two pictures:

I am really loving working more and more (for my job and for my vocations) at home!

More soon.

Can I Get a Witness? I Choose LIFE

Since Thursday, I have been feeling the need for much calm and stillness. I am building a life where there is as much silence and stillness as I want/need. So the silence and stillness are there for me when amazing breakthroughs happen and I recognize and honor the need to let my psyche catch up with what breakthroughs imply for my life.

Thursday was a day of a HUGE coming together of many kinds of inner work, prayer, therapy, spiritual direction, and the work for this class. I met with my spiritual director before I listened to the audio, and a number of memories clicked to show me the source of so much of my anxiety and fear: the “rules” were ingrained in me from my birth, that my entire purpose was to meet my parents’ needs (including sexual needs of my father and emotional needs of my mother) within the closed system of the nuclear family. So all the ways I have resisted these rules:

doing my inner work,
becoming whole,
working hard to become competent in many ways,
seeking health, beauty, comfort and order in my life,
longing for love, truth, and integrity and seeking where they might be found,
letting in joy, color, music, movement and meaning,
and probably other ways of living my gifts and growing into my potential;

All of these have generated resistance to resisting the rules (“dueling resistances”!), in the forms of fear, isolation, numbing, anxiety, sabotage, self-hate talk/actions, destructive behaviors.

Then I came home and listened to an audio by Brene Brown (author of The Gifts of Imperfection, a life-changing book on developing shame resilience, and the focus of the eight-week on-line course I am in), on cultivating calm as an alternative to the “anxiety as a lifestyle” of my family-of-origin (and of much of society), and also felt so affirming of the work I have done. I studied Family Systems Theory for years (in the context of doing ministry, using Ed Friedman’s Generation to Generation), and I knew there was a LOT of anxiety and that it was getting in my way. And FST brought me a lot of insights and releases from some of this anxiety, but on Thursday the combination of spiritual direction and the audio focused intense and clarifying light on the choice(s) between anxiety and calm, and helped me to recognize how committed I am to calm (perspective, understanding, and mindful/managing of reactivity). I saw in new light the messages I had received that I have no right to life separate from my parents, no right to meet my needs, no right to joy, no right to love or health or beauty or success.

So I am going to replace the old “rules” that I have allowed to get in my way, with commitments that I now share with you:

I am responsible for only my own needs, and ONLY I am responsible for meeting my needs.

I will ask for help from people AND from God.

I am doing the work to which I am called (spiritual direction, writing, and witnessing to the healing process).

I am no longer waiting for the fear to stop; when I feel fear from my inner child/old self, I will use that as a guide to do the opposite of what the fear is telling me to do. (Insight from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield)

I let in beauty, comfort, health and order to all areas of my life.

I embrace the risks of letting in love, health, success, and prosperity.

I CHOOSE LIFE, SO HELP ME, GOD!

(“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Therefore choose life.” Deut. 30: 19)

How does shame affect my relationship with God? (1)

I'm doing a lot of work around letting go of old shame lately, through Dr. Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection and the Dream Lab (http://www.mondobeyondo.org/) on the book.  Brene makes the distinction that shame is about feeling "I am bad" where guilt is about "I did something bad."  A lot of my life I have felt that "I am bad," based on things that happened to me when I was too young to know the difference.  I am becoming aware that this has often prevented me from feeling like I really belong, kept appropriate love at a distance, made me hesitant to ask for help, and/or made it difficult to have realistic expectations about what is possible for me to accomplish.

I do believe (with my head and part of my heart) that I am (and all of us are) made in the image of God.  I want to believe that God loves me just as I am today, and that I am enough.  It's not that I won't keep striving to learn and grow and become a better person, but what if shame gets in the way of even trying to be better?  What if God believes in me WAY more than I believe in myself ?  (I have told other people this about themselves, but my inner child has a hard time accepting that this might be true.)

I know that one way shame has gotten in the way in the past is that when I would begin a time of prayer, I would feel that I needed to list all the ways I had "fallen short of the glory of God" (as if I thought that by trying hard enough I would ever NOT fall short?) and beg (over and over) for forgiveness.  Not too surprisingly, sometimes the prospect of this would keep me from even beginning to try to "hear" God.  I know the difference now between the times when I really do need to confess, ask for (and accept) forgiveness, and then move on, and the times when I just want to be attentive and open to the presence of God.  I have come to believe that God's standards for me are much more loving and accepting than how the perfectionist in me is always looking to criticize and judge.

Another way I have become aware recently that shame gets in the way is that when I am "in shame," it is very hard for me to be with other people, even for worship or fellowship.  So I am not only resisting letting in God's love, but I am also staying away from the possibility of receiving human love.  This reinforces the shame, making it harder to believe that I might be "worthy of love and belonging," as Brene shares in her TEDxHouston video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0, totally worth 20 minutes of your time!), just because I exist, which I couldn't do without the love of God. 

The good news in all of this process has several parts.  One is that during all these years, God has NEVER given up on me, and keeps drawing me near to God's heart, a moment at a time.  Another is that I am beginning to understand that all of us have shame and we live in a shame-ridden culture, so I am not alone as a human, either.  And it is possible to let shame go and learn, by God's grace, that I AM ENOUGH.  I can relax into being just one of God's creatures, instead of the constant tension of trying to live as if I am the Creator (very exhausting and gets me into trouble every time).  And here is the even bigger news:  I don't have to be free of shame in order to be in relationship with God, and God is way bigger than shame and able to break through with love to the places in me that I wish I could hide from God and from other people.

I suspect I will have more to say about this as time goes on and the process of being healed of old shame continues, but today I really wanted to begin to share on this topic.  What are the ways shame gets in the way of your relationship with God?

I must give credit to Brene Brown (http://www.brenebrown.com/) and The Gifts of Imperfection for sparking this reflection, and to the Dream Lab (http://www.mondobeyondo.org/) where a large group of people from all over the world are sharing in the process of letting go of shame that gets in the way of "wholehearted living."  Stay tuned!

Nugget for Reflection

 ‎"Unless we completely inhabit ourselves, it’s not possible to be completely present. If we’re not completely present, we’re not inclusive—and when we’re not inclusive, that’s when we exclude others who have different views, different opinions, different upbringings—difference. In presence, we see the beauty in what was... previously unbeautiful—in difference and in alikeness. It’s all of life." -Gina Sharpe

Thank you, @Parabola Magazine on FB!  From "The Beautiful Mind:  A Conversation with Gina Sharpe," in the current issue, http://www.parabola.org/the-beautiful-mind-a-conversation-with-gina-sharpe.

I will be thinking about what it means to "inhabit myself" and ways I exit from that dwelling far too often as I continue to participate in the DreamLab on "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  Maybe "inhabiting myself" and centering in God are related?

What can I do about hatred?

Like many of us, I have been thinking since Saturday's horrific shootings in Arizona about the current culture of hateful rhetoric which sometimes becomes more than rhetoric and moves into action which results in horror and tragedy.  I find it so easy to stand outside of the tragedy and distance myself from the actions of a Loughner or a Seung-hui Cho (Virginia Tech) or any of the many tragedies that have been in the news over the past years.  Surely I could never do anything like that---could I?

As part of my journey toward being a peacemaker, trying to follow Jesus, I have had to recognize and accept that I have the same capacity for violence as any killer or bomber or abuser, and that my violence is only on a different part of the spectrum from what I am seeing in the news.  I may not get to the point where I make the headlines, but there are ways that I participate (or choose not to) in hateful speech.  I am on the road toward violence:

• When I listen to the negative, judging, MEAN inner voices that question my worth, I step toward using those same criteria on others;
• When I judge myself or others harshly, without compassion, I am adding to the culture of hate;
• When I refuse to admit that I might be wrong (SUCH a struggle at times), I am setting myself up as a little tin god, master of the universe, creator rather than created; 
• When I seek certainty (being right, even about God) instead of trusting, I am, again, outside my limits as a finite human being;
• When I push myself beyond reasonable limits so that I am constantly tired and irritable, I am refusing to accept my humanity, often in the name of ambition that is not really consistent with what have become my core values;
• When I violate my own boundaries or allow others to do so, I am acting out of the belief that who I am does not matter, setting myself up for resentment which can lead to small (or not so small) acts of violence against myself or others;
• When I refuse to forgive (which can sometimes take a long time, but the willingness is a start and often I even need to pray for that), I am forgetting how often I have needed and received forgiveness, putting huge amounts of energy into building walls that keep me separate, judging, hurting and ready to hurt.

I have learned all of these things about myself, and I am still a long way from being the person I believe God is creating me to be--and I have to seek forgiveness from God and others (and forgive myself) on a daily basis for that, too!  Making God my first priority, paying attention to where God is present throughout the day, seeking to let God be God, these and many other small disciplines (and more that God will show me as I am ready) are all pieces of the discipline I am learning as I seek to center my life in God, not me.  I want to be part of the culture of love, compassion, mutual bearing of burdens--the vision Jesus shared of the kingdom of God that is within us.  I believe that desire is, itself, one of the many graces of God and that God will use that to draw my heart toward peacemaking.

Nugget for Reflection

Notes from Nancy:

This quote from Catholic theologian Hans urs von Balthasar has been appropriately challenging and liberating for me at various times during my healing/faith journey.  At other times, it has felt like it led to negative thinking and beating myself up.  It is not my intention for this quote to apply to all who are victims or to every stage of the healing process.  I share it today because it fits for me today.

Note:  Von Balthasar's meditation The Heart of God is written mostly, including in this passage, in the "voice" of Jesus.

"You naturally believe you see more clearly than the others.  You have proofs in hand.  You see yourself—your old man—black and white, and everything in you cries out:  “Impossible!”  You see the distance and can measure with accuracy the gap between misdeeds and atonement, the gap between you and me.  Who could struggle against such evidence?  You withdraw into your sorrow; this, at least, is yours.  In the experience of your woes you feel yourself alive.  And if someone should lay a hand to your sorrows and attempt to tear them up by the root, surely he would tear your whole heart out of your breast—so intertwined have you and your sufferings become.  Nevertheless, I have risen.  And your wise pain, your senile pain, into which you gladly plunge, by which you think you show me fidelity, through which you believe you are united to me:  your pain is an anachronism.  For today I am young and utterly happy.  And what you call your fidelity is nothing but obstinacy.  Do you have the standard in your hand?  Is your soul the arbiter of what might be possible for God?  Is your heart, swollen with experiences, the clock from which you tell what God’s decree for you might be?  What you take to be profundity is but unbelief.  But since you are so wounded and the open torment of your heart has opened up to the abyss of your very self, put out your hand to me and, with it, feel the pulse of another Heart:  through this new experience your soul will surrender and heave up the dark gall which it has long collected.  I must overpower you.  I cannot spare exacting from you your melancholy—your most-loved possession.  Give it to me, even if it costs you your soul and your inner self thinks it must die.  Give me this idol, this cold stony clot in your breast, and in its place I will give you a new heart of flesh that will beat to the pulse of my own Heart.  Give me this self of yours, which lives on its not being able to live, which is sick because it cannot die.  Let it perish, and you will finally begin to live.  You are enamored of the sad puzzle of your incomprehensible ego.  But you have already been seen through and comprehended, for look:  if your heart accuses you, I am nevertheless greater than this your heart, and I know everything.  Dare to make the leap into the Light!  Do not take the world to be more profound than God!  Do not think that I cannot make short work of you!  Your city is besieged, your provisions are exhausted:  you must capitulate.  What could be simpler and sweeter than opening the door to love?  What could be easier than falling to one’s knees and saying:  “My Lord, and my God!?”"

Hans urs von Balthasar, Heart of the World, pp. 164-165

Victim, Survivor, Witness

Somehow I thought becoming a blogger would be easier than this has turned out to be.  I got derailed in December by a bad cold that turned into a sinus infection (and realized I couldn't write with my head full of....well, enough said!).  I have lots of titles for possible blog posts written down, and may eventually get to some of them.  But this one is up in my face today, so here goes.

I have spent many years recovering from wounds of childhood sexual abuse, as I have mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts.  Along the way, it became important for me to move from identifying myself as a victim to claiming my identity as a survivor.  I have sensed for some time that my vocation as a person of faith includes being a witness (which includes being present to witness with others, as well as witnessing to God's power to heal), so it should not surprise me that I am now sensing another shift in my public identity, from survivor to witness. (And yet, although this is not the first time that God has moved me toward greater transparency as I seek to share what I have learned, I do still keep being surprised!)
Last week I watched a brief video reflection (a prelude to a series) by Catholic theologian James Alison, at the Raven Foundation (http://www.ravenfoundation.org/, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PsBTGKoOEsecting) on Jesus as the prototype of forgiving victim.  As I listened to him reflect on Jesus' appearance to Cleopas and another person on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-27, I could sense God moving me another step toward a different understanding of my own life narrative, with the image of Jesus as modeling forgiveness after his resurrection.  For the first time, I noticed what he did NOT do in this, one of his first recorded appearances after his death. Most of us who have suffered some kind of victimization go through stages of anger and longing for accountability, if not vengeance.  In the story, he does not say one word about what had happened to him, or demonstrate any attachment to the injustice and trauma he had experienced as part of his identity.

Although for many years I felt as if I would never be free of the need to deal with issues, and my understanding of my identity was very much shaped by the story of the abuse and my recovery from it, in the past year I have increasingly found new freedom from the emotional baggage of my past.  I believe that 2011 will be for me (by God's grace) a year of letting go of more old "stuff," including the habits and thought patterns and coping strategies that belong to the past, and a year of learning new ways to be in the world with the new identity/narrative that comes with keeping my eyes on Jesus instead of me.  I look forward to sharing that process (and other things) as I blog more regularly.

P.S. Thanks, Tripp, for drawing my attention to the Raven Foundation!