I love to write, and I do write a lot. But I am hitting some resistance about writing and "publishing" my blog on a regular basis. I feel big waves of fear when I think about publishing some of the short pieces I have written, or the books that are in my head to write. It really feels like sharing my writing is the spiritual equivalent of taking my clothes off in public.
I have read that lots of writers feel this way, and I have read writers talking about this. Natatlie Goldberg say "we have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say." (Writing Down the Bones) And that is hard, a lot like the degrees of difficulty of pursuing the spiritual life. But I have come to believe that no matter what awful things are in my heart, God loves and accepts me just the way I am--although always challenging me to keep growing into new life. So I guess I am afraid that "my readers" won't approve, like what I have to say, really "get" what I want them to hear. Hmm, looks like a control issue to me.
I wonder if letting my words go out into the world, for whatever purpose they serve, is somewhat analogous to what happens when I pray, that God responds not so much to what I ask for as by revealing to me what changes in me need to happen in order for me to keep growing. So I pray and I listen; if I publish, I may hear criticism or dislikes that will challenge me as a writer. Maybe writing without ever publishing is like only praying petitionary prayers and never listening for what God has to say?
I am going to publish this blog, right now! (Well, after I proof it!) I am not sharing this in the hopes that people will say "there, there, you're a fine writer," but because this is where I am struggling spiritually. And I am hoping that putting this out for anyone to read will help me begin to let go of my fears of being naked in publish (but I promise, I WILL keep my clothes on1).
