I thought I had slowed down quite a bit, as I have crafted/am crafting a container for my life that includes a lot of silence and stillness. But I have been hearing lately in prayer (and as I pray about signals my body is giving me, yes, I'm getting older but I think there is also a message here...) that I need to slow down even more. Lately this includes noticing when I am gobbling books on spirituality or theology, or when I have spent too much time on Facebook or other electronic connections, while not paying attention to things in my "container" that need to be done. I am also noticing that multi-tasking and trying to accomplish work too quickly is feeling more and more contradictory of what I know about what nourishes my health (spiritually as well as physically). (Excuse me while I take some calls and answer some emails....)
As I look back, I see many little lessons that have pointed in this direction. Many years ago, I used to walk to work in DC and noticed that I was rushing through the blocks and then waiting impatiently for the pedestrian signal to change. I experimented a few times with walking at my natural pace (much slower than when I rushed) and discovered I actually got to work more quickly and less exhausted, as well as enjoying the walk more and noticing things I missed when I was rushing. And I remember a number of times when, because I did not allow enough time to get things done, I rushed and lost or broke or failed or even fell and hurt myself. I also get anxious when I know I have to rush, and am learning to allow more time; and sometimes I get places early and calm but I used to (and sometimes still do) get there rushed and on the verge of late and not as present as I would like to be.
I have stepped away from a number of activities over the past several years, from volunteering and from church committees and from being part of a lot of organizations. I always struggle with whether I am being irresponsible and putting pressure on other people to step up to do things I am not doing (and if that is true, I am sorry and would like to hear about it). But I also know that when I have too many commitments outside of work and the ministry of spiritual direction, I am not being fully present to the activities I do out of a sense of "should," so I don't do them well or with intention, and then I am also frazzled with the things I am called to do. So I have to balance, over time, what I feel called to do (and these activities are not about making me happy, sometimes I am called to do things I really don't want to do) and what other people would like me to do, with protecting the quiet time I need to be the spiritual director I believe I am called to be, present and attentive and as free of my own "stuff" as possible when I meet with people.
How do you balance taking the time you need to be present and attentive to your soul and to God with your responsibilities to other people?
Nancy,
ReplyDeleteIt's been six months since you wrote this blog. When I read it, I recognize it as a gift; a reminder for me as I enter the New Year. Thanks.