I think too much. And I often catch myself looking for "rules," magic formulas for being acceptable or belonging or being "good." And I am often distracted from action by a thought or a phrase or a word that sets my mind going. I wear out my mind way more often than I wear out my body. I have been aware for a long time that God wants more from me than my over-active head,
I also don't really know much about how to play--spontaneous, completely-in-the-moment enjoyment of just about anything that does not require processing, planning, or productivity. The one activity that has been consistently a source of relaxation is reading fiction--not even "good" fiction, but murder mysteries, fantasy, science fiction (yes, I know, that's "in my mind" again...God's working on this!). I also read some books over and over; I call this "babysitting reading," because it helps me stop thinking so much and working on who I think I should be.
I'm recovering from being addicted to working on myself--trying to change those things that I can't accept or that I perceive as getting in the way of who I think God is creating me to be. This includes processing, looking for answers in self-help books, other people's stories, even "prayer" that focuses too much on me and not enough on God or those for whom I know I am directed to pray.
It's been coming to my attention that these patterns (and probably many others) have a lot more to do with the self-image that I cherish as my identity than with being truly free for God to do with me as God desires for God's purposes. That self-image includes many labels from the past, many from the culture around me, and some from wishful thinking. I've tried to let go of many of these (which has required much thinking!), and to surrender others that I cling to for God to do the removal. And God has granted much relief.
But I still notice myself trying to figure out where God is going with me, what will be the results of this or that action, why things happen (in my life and in the world). What if I just show up, stay present in the moment and in all of my being (body and emotions as well as mind), and trust God to be God (instead of trying the do-it-yourself way, such a temptation to try to be God rather than being God's creature)? It's a scary thought, but it also looks like it might be way less of a burden than trying to think my way out of....whatever.
I want more than anything to love God and be present to God for whatever God wants to do with me--and no, I can't think my way into loving God more, either. God, help me love you and STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.
