Wait, wait, God, I'm not "perfect" yet!

Over the past several months, I have been sensing God nudging me to do the footwork toward making spiritual direction, retreat design/leadership, and education a much bigger focus of my time and energy.  I have been following this call for almost 30 years now, and it has been an amazing journey, with so many providential opportunities and connections, I can't even count them.  Thank you, God!

But now that it is time to go out and offer these gifts to leaders and other spiritual directors and organizations, I keep balking and discovering in me fears and pride and my image of what it means to be "made in the image of God" (and I'm not there yet!).  And the thought of asking people for donations so that I may remain available for this ministry (because otherwise I need to look for another job....), has been really scary!  (I'm still wrestling with that one!) And what if--people don't like me, judge me because of ways I don't fit the socially-acceptable standards of appearance, don't want what I have to offer, reject me?  What if?

So, do I really believe I am called, equipped, and being sent out to accompany others on their spiritual journeys?  Do I really believe that all the gifts God has given me have value for others and that "my deep gladness [can meet] the world's deep hunger"? (Frederick Buechner, in Wishful Thinking)  Do I really believe that "if we have sown spiritual good among you, is it too much if we reap your material benefits" (I Cor 9:11, a verse I have not thought of or read for many years until this moment!)?

My passion for growing spiritually (through prayer, reading, writing, studying) has always had as its purpose  the deep call I sensed to walk with others as they seek their own growth.  And I have always believed that "to each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good" (I Cor 12:7)  So I am making the calls and showing up for the meetings and each time, I sense that I am where God wants me to be in that moment--and the people I am meeting with seem to feel the same way, as they are responding to me with grace and openness.  I give thanks for each one, how much you are blessing me!

Several years ago, I was fussing at God over some trait in me that I could just not seem to change, and I heard, deep within me, very gently and with a sense that I was being lovingly laughed at, "You know, it's my job to create people in my image."  And I've been doing a lot of work in the past couple of years around accepting that I am not perfect, never will be, and in fact was not created to be perfect (as the world defines it).  (In particular, Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection was tremendously helpful with that.)  So today and tomorrow and every day I will seek God's guidance and follow it boldly and prayerfully.

What's holding YOU back from being all that God is creating you to be?  I'd love to hear from you!

A Single Eye on God's Love

I have a very hard time sleeping--or rather, I have a hard time getting to sleep.  I have been realizing lately that this may be due, in part, to how hard it is for me to let go of trying; as long as I am awake, I might, just might, reach that elusive moment where I am satisfied--with my self, with my life, in my body.  In my heart I know this is completely unattainable, but my "monkey mind" keeps insisting if I try just a little harder, think a little more deeply, read just one more paragraph, even pray just a little harder, I WILL "get there."

Last night my "last paragraph" was in Richard Rohr's The Naked Eye:  Seeing as the Mystics See.  It's not as if I have never heard this before, but these sentences struck "home":

God does not love us because we are that good.  God loves us because God is good.  That changes everything. (p. 79)

You mean God loves me as imperfect, unfinished, fearful, anxious, as I know myself to be?  You mean I don't have to EARN God's love?

Somehow (grace, maybe?) I heard this at a deeper level last night.  And as I was going to sleep, I kept re-focusing on God's love.  My body and my mind relaxed deeply, my restless heart resting in God.  As I woke rested this morning, I continued this focus.  I know I will have to let God draw me back, over and over, to that single focus on God's love through which all else shifts into divine balance.  I know I am not capable of keeping that focus--but I don't have to be the one to make it happen.

Lord, help me focus my single eye on your love today, in all that I do (or don't do), trusting in your love as the ground of my being.  Let all my choices today be made from knowing you love me as I am, as you are creating me to be, not as I try (and fail) to make myself in the image I have of the person who would earn your love.  Into your care, Lord.

Contemplative on the Run?

I am recognizing that I am struggling with what may be irreconcilable  "pressures."  My desire has grown over many years to put God and prayer and spiritual growth before everything else, and that includes time each day in silence, seeking to hear more than to tell God.  Yet I keep observing myself rushing around, often driven by anxiety and feeling pressure to do more, be more, have more (credentials, knowledge, approval, as well as "stuff").  I had an image yesterday that led to today's title, of a monk (or monks) rushing around trying to Get Things Done--it made me giggle, but it also made me stop and think.

In the online course I took earlier this year, Brene Brown says "the opposite of living in the present is busy," and muses about what it would be like to live on a human scale instead of constantly pushing to live beyond it, in ways that are not sustainable for human beings.  Kind of radical, countercultural kind of thinking--which would require a lot of choosing and saying no to things that push me beyond human scale.  But I really want to live in the present and to be present.

I am hearing in prayer that I must slow down in order to be who God is creating me to be, let my time for being in God's presence not be overwhelmed by the pressure to Get Things Done, especially for my boss.  This is particularly challenging because I have a "part-time" job working for someone whose rhythm is: have an idea, do it yesterday, and always have more going on than can possibly get done.  But I am also becoming more aware of what feels like damage to my soul and body and calling each time I get caught up in the "rat-race"--and I'm only working part-time.  OK, God, I can see we're going to be working on this together a LOT, and I'm depending on you to guide me in how to navigate these streams going in opposite directions.