Feeling Good/Feeling Bad...or All About God?

I have been saying (and praying) for years for God to be first in my life, in prayer and in action.  I know that God has put this desire in my heart and brought me a long way on the journey that never ends.  But I have been struggling for quite some time now (or many years, but only fairly recently has God been drawing my attention to it) with a flip-flopping that I am not happy about.

There have been many times in the past, when my spiritual life has been particularly intense, that sometimes I back off from intimacy with God (but God always draws me back...eventually). Lately God has been bringing to my awareness something that has been going on for a long time.  When I feel most available to and "used by" God in prayer or in spiritual direction or in helping someone do something or in posting a blog or any other action that I feel good about, then I back off, distance myself from others and even from God, and certainly from feeling good about what has occurred, sometimes even sabotaging the delight/pleasure of the moment to the detriment of my health and/or sense of wholeness.

It feels to me as if my "old self image" (of being broken by abuse) is determined to cancel out who I know God has been creating me to be, my “new self in Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:17). I believe this is a cleansing of the old self image(s), and I do have a deep sense of God working even in the sabotaging. And as I look back over many years of spiritual journey and healing, I see how God has worked even in the lowest places of my life, including destructive behaviors and much sabotaging. So I can only pray for God continue drawing me into being free/available for service as and when God pleases. I know I cannot even make willingness happen, only pray for and respond when I have it, and pray and be gentle with myself when I don't.

And as I have been writing this, I have realized that "feeling good" about something God has done is my ego judging, just as much as is feeling bad about distancing behaviors. I want my life to be all about God instead of "all about me." I know that because I am human (and definitely not my Creator!), I will never “do it” (spiritual life, housework, blogging, service, or anything else) to my perfectionist standards.  Letting go of perfectionism and of constantly evaluating/judging what is good or bad is a long process, very freeing, but even that is not in my power to make happen.  And accepting that, as offensive to my ego as that is, is also something with which I need God’s help.  I surrender, God!

Justice Spinning (Casey, Amanda, Memphis Three, Troy)

I've been thinking a lot about our "justice system" as the media have covered the cases of Casey (and Caylee), Amanda (and Meredith), the Memphis Three and Troy (and the police officer he said he didn't kill).    It seems to me that we have come a long way from being able to trust that our justice system is actually discovering truth and dealing out just consequences for proven actions.  The media coverage of these cases (including social media) seems to have taken on a role in influencing the outcomes of trials, and certainly the lives of those accused whether acquitted or convicted.  And certainly money and access to media  seem to have become important in the eyes of the lawyers, judges, and jurors.  Family members and friends and people who had opinions spent enormous amounts of money, time and energy to free those they said were innocent;  law enforcement and the justice system spent enormous amounts of money trying to prove they were guilty, all in the name of justice.

I am puzzled by Meredith's family continuing to insist that Amanda and Rafaele murdered Meredith, saying that they still believe that Meredith was killed by these two (and not Rudy Guede who is in prison for having killed her).  I am puzzled by Mark MacPhail's widow continuing to insist that Troy Davis killed her husband, even though so many of the "eyewitnesses" have recanted their testimony.  I am puzzled by the death threats against Casey Anthony after her acquittal. I am puzzled by so many of us having opinions about the innocence or guilt based on our intuitions about these cases.  I know that I was participating by following these cases.  And I know that I often have opinions about situations based on my perceptions and intuition.  So I'm not claiming to be outside the problem here.

Obviously I cannot know whether any of these were indeed innocent of the crimes for which they were tried (and in Troy's case, for which he was executed).  I prayed that Amanda (and Rafaele) would be released if they are innocent.  And I hope they are....but I find myself hesitant to say I know they are innocent.  Yet I would rather they be released if they were guilty than imprisoned if they were innocent.  And I believe that God knows the truth, perhaps even more deeply than they do.

Our human justice system appears more and more to be distorted by  money and competing interests and media influence.  "Lady Justice" no longer seems to be blind. I do know people who have been acquitted justly, but I also know people who have been convicted and punished unjustly.  But overall I find myself (and I'm not alone), not trusting the justice system, not trusting politicians (most of whom are lawyers....), not trusting government or the political process.

Our concept of justice has evolved from earliest understandings that truth must be discovered and actions must have appropriate consequences, for the sake of the whole community.  We say that God is just and fair (but also merciful, thank You), and that is very important to our understanding of who God is and why we can/should trust God. My trust in God is sometimes challenged  in the light of evil I see done and inherent in our power structures.  We no longer (in  most countries) require "an eye for an eye."  But when we see boundaries violated in ways that come under the jurisdiction of the law, we hope for truth and just punishment.

Yet does our justice system function to provide that?  Some of the time, yet, but we hear so many stories of prisoners who learn new ways of violence from other prisoners, and of abuses and suffering.  We hear about tremendous profits from human trafficking, fraud, outrageous bonuses, drugs, slave labor and poor working conditions, and about other wrongs like bullying that is not stopped, domestic violence, disproportional incarceration of African-American men, and many other wrongs,  I am sometimes tempted to despair when I see so much injustice, and so much apparent distortion of values and power and uses of money.  I also have to look at ways that I benefit from or participate in abusive systems of power and systemic damage to the environment, the economy and to justice.  But I always come back to remembering that I believe God to be both just and merciful, more powerful than human systems, able "by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than we can ask or imagine," (Ephesians 3:20) and I am renewed in my commitment to "do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).

Why is sharing my writing so scary?

I love to write, and I do write a lot.  But I am hitting some resistance about writing and "publishing" my blog on a regular basis.  I feel big waves of fear when I think about publishing some of the short pieces I have written, or the books that are in my head to write.  It really feels like sharing my writing is the spiritual equivalent of taking my clothes off in public. 

I have read that lots of writers feel this way, and I have read writers talking about this.  Natatlie Goldberg say "we have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say."  (Writing Down the Bones)  And that is hard, a lot like the degrees of difficulty of pursuing the spiritual life.  But I have come to believe that no matter what awful things are in my heart, God loves and accepts me just the way I am--although always challenging me to keep growing into new life.  So I guess I am afraid that "my readers" won't approve, like what I have to say, really "get" what I want them to hear.  Hmm, looks like a control issue to me. 

I wonder if letting my words go out into the world, for whatever purpose they serve, is somewhat analogous to what happens when I pray, that God responds not so much to what I ask for as by revealing to me what changes in me need to happen in order for me to keep growing.  So I pray and I listen; if I publish, I may hear criticism or dislikes that will challenge me as a writer.  Maybe writing without ever publishing is like only praying petitionary prayers and never listening for what God has to say?

I am going to publish this blog, right now!  (Well, after I proof it!)  I am not sharing this in the hopes that people will say "there, there, you're a fine writer," but because this is where I am struggling spiritually. And I am hoping that putting this out for anyone to read will help me begin to let go of my fears of being naked in publish (but I promise, I WILL keep my clothes on1).

Nugget for Reflection - The Prayer of Silence

Companions,

The wise tell us that God abides

In silence.

That God speaks in the silent serenity

of the heart.

Let us not speak of silence,

Rather, let silence speak to us

of God.

 

Together,

let us enter through the door of serenity,

the silence of our hearts.

 

The chatter of our tears, our angers, our anxiety,

the chatter of our desires and curiosity,

of our projected plans and unfinished work

falls away in serenity

and makes space.

An open space

to a new heart,

Created in the silence of prayer.

Created in the prayer of silence.

 

A heart that is free,

peaceful, quiet, and calm.

A heart that is one.

 

A heart so large and wide

that it embraces the God of all and the all of God.

The God who in silence speaks all languages.

The God who in silence speaks in all creatures.

The God who in silence speaks one word.

The God who speaks of Love.

 

Source: Benedictine Monks of Weston Priory

Getting Out of God's Way

I think too much.  And I often catch myself looking for "rules," magic formulas for being acceptable or belonging or being "good."  And I am often distracted from action by a thought or a phrase or a word that sets my mind going.  I wear out my mind way more often than I wear out my body.  I have been aware for a long time that God wants more from me than my over-active head,

I also don't really know much about how to play--spontaneous, completely-in-the-moment enjoyment of just about anything that does not require processing, planning, or productivity.  The one activity that has been consistently a source of relaxation is reading fiction--not even "good" fiction, but murder mysteries, fantasy, science fiction (yes, I know, that's "in my mind" again...God's working on this!).  I also read some books over and over; I call this "babysitting reading," because it helps me stop thinking so much and working on who I think I should be.

I'm recovering from being addicted to working on myself--trying to change those things that I can't accept or that I perceive as getting in the way of who I think God is creating me to be.  This includes processing, looking for answers in self-help books, other people's stories, even "prayer" that focuses too much on me and not enough on God or those for whom I know I am directed to pray.

It's been coming to my attention that these patterns (and probably many others) have a lot more to do with the self-image that I cherish as my identity than with being truly free for God to do with me as God desires for God's purposes.  That self-image includes many labels from the past, many from the culture around me, and some from wishful thinking.  I've tried to let go of many of these (which has required much thinking!), and to surrender others that I cling to for God to do the removal. And God has granted much relief. 

But I still notice myself trying to figure out where God is going with me, what will be the results of this or that action, why things happen (in my life and in the world).  What if I just show up, stay present in the moment and in all of my being (body and emotions as well as mind), and trust God to be God (instead of trying the do-it-yourself way, such a temptation to try to be God rather than being God's creature)?  It's a scary thought, but it also looks like it might be way less of a burden than trying to think my way out of....whatever.

I want more than anything to love God and be present to God for whatever God wants to do with me--and no, I can't think my way into loving God more, either.  God, help me love you and STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.

A Nugget for Reflection - Being Still with God as healing

From an excellent book I am enjoying a great deal, Listening for the Soul: Pastoral Care and Spiritual Direction, by Jean Stairs.  I will be posting a review once I have finished reading it, but this quote jumped out at me this morning:

"Quieting down and focusing long enough to listen to the voice of God within us and within our noisy circumstances is perhaps one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and others at a time when we feel held against our will by the force of hurried living.  It is the apparent incongruity with the whole direction of modern life that make contemplation profoundly healing.  No longer should contemplation be an optional item on a list of things to do, but it should be seen as the breath of life for us and others." (p. 42)

I will be posting more quotes from this book!

MUST.SLOW.DOWN

I thought I had slowed down quite a bit, as I have crafted/am crafting a container for my life that includes a lot of silence and stillness.  But I have been hearing lately in prayer (and as I pray about signals my body is giving me, yes, I'm getting older but I think there is also a message here...) that I need to slow down even more.  Lately this includes noticing when I am gobbling books on spirituality or theology, or when I have spent too much time on Facebook or other electronic connections, while not paying attention to things in my "container" that need to be done.  I am also noticing that multi-tasking and trying to accomplish work too quickly is feeling more and more contradictory of what I know about what nourishes my health (spiritually as well as physically). (Excuse me while I take some calls and answer some emails....)

As I look back, I see many little lessons that have pointed in this direction.  Many years ago, I used to walk to work in DC and noticed that I was rushing through the blocks and then waiting impatiently for the pedestrian signal to change.  I experimented a few times with walking at my natural pace (much slower than when I rushed) and discovered I actually got to work more quickly and less exhausted, as well as enjoying the walk more and noticing things I missed when I was rushing.  And I remember a number of times when, because I did not allow enough time to get things done, I rushed and lost or broke or failed or even fell and hurt myself.  I also get anxious when I know I have to rush, and am learning to allow more time; and sometimes I get places early and calm but I used to (and sometimes still do) get there rushed and on the verge of late and not as present as I would like to be.

I have stepped away from a number of activities over the past several years, from volunteering and from church committees and from being part of a lot of organizations.  I always struggle with whether I am being irresponsible and putting pressure on other people to step up to do things I am not doing (and if that is true, I am sorry and would like to hear about it).  But I also know that when I have too many commitments outside of work and the ministry of spiritual direction, I am not being fully present to the activities I do out of a sense of "should," so I don't do them well or with intention, and then I am also frazzled with the things I am called to do.  So I have to balance, over time, what I feel called to do (and these activities are not about making me happy, sometimes I am called to do things I really don't want to do) and what other people would like me to do, with protecting the quiet time I need to be the spiritual director I believe I am called to be, present and attentive and as free of my own "stuff" as possible when I meet with people.

How do you balance taking the time you need to be present and attentive to your soul and to God with your responsibilities to other people?