I have had a lot of time over the past several months, for prayer, reading, reflecting, aware of God working in me through the quiet. God has grown my desire to focus on centering my attention, my life, my energy, on God and what God is doing in my life and in the world. I was struck by a line from this morning's lectionary, "I will stand at my watch-post, and station myself on the rampart; I will keep watch to see what he will say to me." (Habakkuk 2: 1) I want to pay this kind of attention as I go through my day today, to return to center whenever I notice (by God's grace) that I have made some task or concern more important than God. I know that I will move away from center, being human and part of a world that has many "idols," matters that take attention away from God. My prayer is that God will remind me and bring my attention back to what really matters. There's that word, "matter," again.
One of the processes that I have been aware of God working on recently is a healing of an old "core belief," residue of my childhood experiences of being abuse, which is the deep conviction that I don't matter, that what I do, feel, want, need, are not important to those who are in a position to provide for my needs (including myself). It has taken me a long time to begin to believe that all of these matter, to me and also to God. Much therapy, much learning, much care from many people, and much healing from God are finally convincing that deep wounded part of me that it does indeed matter to God, and to what God wants to do in and through my life, how I take care of my body, my gifts, my time and energy. As the awareness grows that I do, indeed, matter to God, my commitment to self-care, not as an idolatry but as stewardship, of God's abundant gifts, is growing.
Part of listening to what God is saying to me comes through hearing and responding to what my body tells me I need, not ignoring needs for food, water, movement, rest, connection to other people. My senses also bring me little alerts from God, to the beauty and gifts of God's creation. I have done a lot of driving lately, as the leaves have been turning color, and noticed that I could be driving for miles without paying any attention to the beauty I was passing by. Noticing and saying thank you, how beautiful, lovely, God, became a small spiritual discipline (without distracting me from driving safely!) that I will continue. As Alice Walker's character Shug says in The Color Purple, "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it." As I leave behind the sad belief that I don't matter, my awareness of mattering to God all around, in and through me as part of God's creation is making more sacred my choices about how I respond, make choices, "spend" time.
What are the ways that you know that you matter to God?
No comments:
Post a Comment