For many years one of the clearest themes of my spiritual journey has been learning to trust God: to guide me, to provide for me, to protect me (especially from myself). Trust in anyone is not easy, since as a child my trust was betrayed in so many ways. I struggle with trusting myself, too, because I have so many memories of my addictive coping strategies (devised in desperation to avoid the pain of betrayals and unmet needs) creating chaos and distracting me from knowing what I want. I struggle with not feeling safe in a world where I see so many acts of violence (physical, spiritual, emotional, systemic).
One of the ways I have come to recognize when I am not trusting God is that my anxieties take the form of endless "what ifs"? "What if I get sick (without insurance?" What if I run completely out of money (and am homeless and unable to take care of myself)?" "What if my car breaks down?" I could go on ad infinitum, but I'm learning to recognize and let go of the endless "what ifs" because they are never happening in the moment--and learning to live in the moment is a practice dating back to when I was using the 12 Steps of the Anonymous groups (over 25 years ago) to heal my wounded life. At first I was learning to stay in each moment when I was obsessed with various addictive opportunities, to "make a decision [in each moment] to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God." (Step 3) Since I started practicing this, what it means to "turn over to the care of God" keeps evolving.
It's not about making God responsible for my behaviors or addictions; it's also not about not knowing what my will is; I am coming to understand more and more that I can trust the desires of my heart (and every other part of me) to point toward who God is creating me to be, in God's image. (I once heard a quote that I have never been able to source: "God works within us through the deep desires of our hearts.") Sometimes knowing what I desire means taking action (in the moment); sometimes it means recognizing and accepting THAT I want--to write, to do spiritual direction, to live in health, order and beauty, to love and be loved--and letting go of obstacles, old attitudes, rules, and expectations that are getting in the way. As I let go of these obstacles, I am learning to pay attention to the steps I need to take (in each moment) toward being and doing what I say I want to be and do.
This triggers a lot of anxiety and "what ifs," because the old rules say "what I want doesn't matter"; "whatever I want is wrong" (especially if anyone "in my mind" doesn't want it); "there's no way I can have what I want, so don't bother wanting." The "what ifs" are sometimes incredibly vivid (and sometimes ridiculous), and I am learning to say "that is not happening right now, I let it go." I am also more and more aware that "what ifs" mean I am not trusting God with my hopes and dreams and desires in the moment: I cannot trust God AND focus on "what if?"; I cannot trust God and pay more attention to the rules and expectations of the world around me than to where God is active (in the moment) in my life; I cannot trust God when I am constantly trying to figure out what is going to happen, how a certain sequence of events is going to turn out. Trusting God is hard (impossible) when I am constantly projecting my certainty about "if this happens, then that will happen."
I am still learning, and probably always will be. Trusting God is very countercultural. I am trying to trust "for surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord..." (Jeremiah 29:11-14a) I am seeking with all my heart, Lord!
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