I am being reminded in prayer (again) that the reason I am blogging and developing my spiritual direction practice is because I feel called to these ministries. I get tangled up in worrying about whether I will be successful or if I may have made a mistake in discerning my calling, or maybe no one really wants what I have to offer (an old voice in my head, the tape of which I sense God trying to erase). I am not writing this today because I am trying to elicit responses, but because I need to be reminded that my only criteria for "success" is whether or not I am being faithful to what I believe God wants me to do. I need to speak this truth for myself and as a witness, today, for anyone who reads this, to the challenges of setting aside all other criteria. Doubt, distraction, fear, anxiety, all compete for my attention with the still, small voice I trust is coming from God.
I believe that God is affirming my call in many small ways, drawing my attention to books I need to read, ways I need to reach out, prayers I need to pray. I also am connecting to a number of people, my pastor, my spiritual director, spiritual friends, other spiritual directors, who affirm what I am doing. I have to trust one moment at a time and keep responding to the guidance I receive in prayer and from others. How seductive it is to long for approval, numbers, acclaim, "success" in the way the world defines it, and how utterly distracting it is from who God is calling me to be when I move toward those markers.
The quote below is one I have returned to over and over since one of my spiritual directors, many years ago, gave me her copy of Evelyn Underhill's The Spiritual Life. I need to read this again often at this stage of my journey:
"Our place is not the auditorium but the stage—or, as the case may be, the field, workshop, study, laboratory—because we ourselves form part of the creative apparatus of God, or at least are meant to form part of the creative apparatus of God. He made us in order to use us, and use us in the most profitable way; for His purpose, not ours. To live a spiritual life means subordinating all other interests to that single fact. Sometimes our positions seems to be that of tools; taken up when wanted, used in ways which we had not expected for an object on which our opinion is not asked, and then laid down. Sometimes we are the currency used in some great operation, of which the purpose is not revealed to us. Sometimes we are servants, left year in, year out to the same monotonous job. Sometimes we are conscious fellow-workers with the Perfect, striving to bring the Kingdom in. But whatever our particular place or job may be, it means the austere conditions of the workshop, not the free-lance activities of the messy but well-meaning amateur; clocking in at the right time and tending the machine in the right way. Sometimes, perhaps, carrying on for years with a machine we do not very well understand and do not enjoy; because it needs doing, and no one else is available. Or accepting the situation quite quietly, when a job we felt that we were managing excellently is taken away. Taking responsibility if we are called to it, or just bringing the workers their dinner, cleaning and sharpening the tools. All self-willed choices and obstinacy drained out of what we thought to be our work; so that it becomes more and more God’s work in us."
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Believing Impossible Things at the Same Time
I have been reading Richard Rohr's The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See, and last Friday and Saturday I joined a sold-out crowd of other spiritual directors, ministers, and seekers, to hear him "unpack" his call to spirituality that is contemplative and non-dualistic. I (and many others) sense he is on to something as he writes and speaks about the need for both dualistic and non-dualistic thinking, about the importance of contemplative practice for moving beyond the "pigeonholes" of duality.
Duality is either/or, comparative, labelling thinking, that we need as we grow up and discover who we are in the world around us. We can't know what "short" is unless we know what "tall" is; we can't know what "up" means unless we learn what the word "down" means. We need these words and many others to try to make some sense of the world and who we are in relation to that world. The problem with duality comes, as Richard says, when we confuse words with reality: we become imprisoned in the illusion that our words are adequate to describe the essence of things. And the tragedy of dualistic thinking is that we use it to label and judge and distance people and groups and values, so that we believe we are "in," they are "out," we are "right," and they are "wrong," we are "good" and they are "bad." These distinctions can help us feel superior, safe, better about our selves (that we know deep down are really not that different from the "other"). But they are also terribly limiting...how do we transcend the boxes in which we find ourselves trapped?
What if that was what Jesus was trying to teach us when he said things like "anyone who wants to become great among you must be your servant, and anyone who wants to be first among you must be your slave" (Matthew 20:25, referring back to the story of those who "unfairly" received the same wage for working one hour as those who had worked all day, verses 1-16)? And the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) is full of sayings that are so hard to understand that most of us for most of Christian history, have thought, "oh, that's nice" while we bypassed trying to hear what Jesus was calling us to: a life that goes beyond the labels of words, the categories that make us comfortable, the fuller, more abundant life that God was calling us to in that ultimate paradox of God becoming human, as a BABY (how fragile, how risky, how very strange).
Jesus the teacher of non-duality, trying to get us to transcend (go beyond the limits of) our labels and categories and comfort zones: what a concept! And how hard it has been for us to "get it." So hard, in fact, that his ultimate act of non-duality was to accept crucifixion as a consequence of his love for us, and then, THEN, come back to life after his disciples thought their world had ended. And we have had such a hard time understanding the deep implications of this, that (among other ways of trying to understand), Catholics have focused on the crucifixion (using the crucifix for all images of the Cross) and Protestants have focused on the resurrection (the "empty" Cross).
I'm not saying I really "get" the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus more than anyone else. But it's where words fail me and I have moments of utter awe and glimmers of how great Jesus' love for me, you, the world, was/is, to take his commitment to us to that extreme, that I move, a little, out of the boxes and categories into an experience, even if it's just for a split second, of just how much God loves me--and you, and the world. And that's also where contemplative prayer, just sitting and focusing on God, brings me, beyond the words to the deeper reality that words can never adequately express. That practice, which is simple but never easy, has become the "place" to which God keeps drawing me back, to reach the deepest parts of my being, beyond words. I long for companions with whom to share this practice; will you join me, once in a while?
Duality is either/or, comparative, labelling thinking, that we need as we grow up and discover who we are in the world around us. We can't know what "short" is unless we know what "tall" is; we can't know what "up" means unless we learn what the word "down" means. We need these words and many others to try to make some sense of the world and who we are in relation to that world. The problem with duality comes, as Richard says, when we confuse words with reality: we become imprisoned in the illusion that our words are adequate to describe the essence of things. And the tragedy of dualistic thinking is that we use it to label and judge and distance people and groups and values, so that we believe we are "in," they are "out," we are "right," and they are "wrong," we are "good" and they are "bad." These distinctions can help us feel superior, safe, better about our selves (that we know deep down are really not that different from the "other"). But they are also terribly limiting...how do we transcend the boxes in which we find ourselves trapped?
What if that was what Jesus was trying to teach us when he said things like "anyone who wants to become great among you must be your servant, and anyone who wants to be first among you must be your slave" (Matthew 20:25, referring back to the story of those who "unfairly" received the same wage for working one hour as those who had worked all day, verses 1-16)? And the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) is full of sayings that are so hard to understand that most of us for most of Christian history, have thought, "oh, that's nice" while we bypassed trying to hear what Jesus was calling us to: a life that goes beyond the labels of words, the categories that make us comfortable, the fuller, more abundant life that God was calling us to in that ultimate paradox of God becoming human, as a BABY (how fragile, how risky, how very strange).
Jesus the teacher of non-duality, trying to get us to transcend (go beyond the limits of) our labels and categories and comfort zones: what a concept! And how hard it has been for us to "get it." So hard, in fact, that his ultimate act of non-duality was to accept crucifixion as a consequence of his love for us, and then, THEN, come back to life after his disciples thought their world had ended. And we have had such a hard time understanding the deep implications of this, that (among other ways of trying to understand), Catholics have focused on the crucifixion (using the crucifix for all images of the Cross) and Protestants have focused on the resurrection (the "empty" Cross).
I'm not saying I really "get" the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus more than anyone else. But it's where words fail me and I have moments of utter awe and glimmers of how great Jesus' love for me, you, the world, was/is, to take his commitment to us to that extreme, that I move, a little, out of the boxes and categories into an experience, even if it's just for a split second, of just how much God loves me--and you, and the world. And that's also where contemplative prayer, just sitting and focusing on God, brings me, beyond the words to the deeper reality that words can never adequately express. That practice, which is simple but never easy, has become the "place" to which God keeps drawing me back, to reach the deepest parts of my being, beyond words. I long for companions with whom to share this practice; will you join me, once in a while?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wait, wait, God, I'm not "perfect" yet!
Over the past several months, I have been sensing God nudging me to do the footwork toward making spiritual direction, retreat design/leadership, and education a much bigger focus of my time and energy. I have been following this call for almost 30 years now, and it has been an amazing journey, with so many providential opportunities and connections, I can't even count them. Thank you, God!
But now that it is time to go out and offer these gifts to leaders and other spiritual directors and organizations, I keep balking and discovering in me fears and pride and my image of what it means to be "made in the image of God" (and I'm not there yet!). And the thought of asking people for donations so that I may remain available for this ministry (because otherwise I need to look for another job....), has been really scary! (I'm still wrestling with that one!) And what if--people don't like me, judge me because of ways I don't fit the socially-acceptable standards of appearance, don't want what I have to offer, reject me? What if?
So, do I really believe I am called, equipped, and being sent out to accompany others on their spiritual journeys? Do I really believe that all the gifts God has given me have value for others and that "my deep gladness [can meet] the world's deep hunger"? (Frederick Buechner, in Wishful Thinking) Do I really believe that "if we have sown spiritual good among you, is it too much if we reap your material benefits" (I Cor 9:11, a verse I have not thought of or read for many years until this moment!)?
My passion for growing spiritually (through prayer, reading, writing, studying) has always had as its purpose the deep call I sensed to walk with others as they seek their own growth. And I have always believed that "to each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good" (I Cor 12:7) So I am making the calls and showing up for the meetings and each time, I sense that I am where God wants me to be in that moment--and the people I am meeting with seem to feel the same way, as they are responding to me with grace and openness. I give thanks for each one, how much you are blessing me!
Several years ago, I was fussing at God over some trait in me that I could just not seem to change, and I heard, deep within me, very gently and with a sense that I was being lovingly laughed at, "You know, it's my job to create people in my image." And I've been doing a lot of work in the past couple of years around accepting that I am not perfect, never will be, and in fact was not created to be perfect (as the world defines it). (In particular, Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection was tremendously helpful with that.) So today and tomorrow and every day I will seek God's guidance and follow it boldly and prayerfully.
What's holding YOU back from being all that God is creating you to be? I'd love to hear from you!
But now that it is time to go out and offer these gifts to leaders and other spiritual directors and organizations, I keep balking and discovering in me fears and pride and my image of what it means to be "made in the image of God" (and I'm not there yet!). And the thought of asking people for donations so that I may remain available for this ministry (because otherwise I need to look for another job....), has been really scary! (I'm still wrestling with that one!) And what if--people don't like me, judge me because of ways I don't fit the socially-acceptable standards of appearance, don't want what I have to offer, reject me? What if?
So, do I really believe I am called, equipped, and being sent out to accompany others on their spiritual journeys? Do I really believe that all the gifts God has given me have value for others and that "my deep gladness [can meet] the world's deep hunger"? (Frederick Buechner, in Wishful Thinking) Do I really believe that "if we have sown spiritual good among you, is it too much if we reap your material benefits" (I Cor 9:11, a verse I have not thought of or read for many years until this moment!)?
My passion for growing spiritually (through prayer, reading, writing, studying) has always had as its purpose the deep call I sensed to walk with others as they seek their own growth. And I have always believed that "to each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good" (I Cor 12:7) So I am making the calls and showing up for the meetings and each time, I sense that I am where God wants me to be in that moment--and the people I am meeting with seem to feel the same way, as they are responding to me with grace and openness. I give thanks for each one, how much you are blessing me!
Several years ago, I was fussing at God over some trait in me that I could just not seem to change, and I heard, deep within me, very gently and with a sense that I was being lovingly laughed at, "You know, it's my job to create people in my image." And I've been doing a lot of work in the past couple of years around accepting that I am not perfect, never will be, and in fact was not created to be perfect (as the world defines it). (In particular, Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection was tremendously helpful with that.) So today and tomorrow and every day I will seek God's guidance and follow it boldly and prayerfully.
What's holding YOU back from being all that God is creating you to be? I'd love to hear from you!
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Single Eye on God's Love
I have a very hard time sleeping--or rather, I have a hard time getting to sleep. I have been realizing lately that this may be due, in part, to how hard it is for me to let go of trying; as long as I am awake, I might, just might, reach that elusive moment where I am satisfied--with my self, with my life, in my body. In my heart I know this is completely unattainable, but my "monkey mind" keeps insisting if I try just a little harder, think a little more deeply, read just one more paragraph, even pray just a little harder, I WILL "get there."
Last night my "last paragraph" was in Richard Rohr's The Naked Eye: Seeing as the Mystics See. It's not as if I have never heard this before, but these sentences struck "home":
God does not love us because we are that good. God loves us because God is good. That changes everything. (p. 79)
You mean God loves me as imperfect, unfinished, fearful, anxious, as I know myself to be? You mean I don't have to EARN God's love?
Somehow (grace, maybe?) I heard this at a deeper level last night. And as I was going to sleep, I kept re-focusing on God's love. My body and my mind relaxed deeply, my restless heart resting in God. As I woke rested this morning, I continued this focus. I know I will have to let God draw me back, over and over, to that single focus on God's love through which all else shifts into divine balance. I know I am not capable of keeping that focus--but I don't have to be the one to make it happen.
Lord, help me focus my single eye on your love today, in all that I do (or don't do), trusting in your love as the ground of my being. Let all my choices today be made from knowing you love me as I am, as you are creating me to be, not as I try (and fail) to make myself in the image I have of the person who would earn your love. Into your care, Lord.
Last night my "last paragraph" was in Richard Rohr's The Naked Eye: Seeing as the Mystics See. It's not as if I have never heard this before, but these sentences struck "home":
God does not love us because we are that good. God loves us because God is good. That changes everything. (p. 79)
You mean God loves me as imperfect, unfinished, fearful, anxious, as I know myself to be? You mean I don't have to EARN God's love?
Somehow (grace, maybe?) I heard this at a deeper level last night. And as I was going to sleep, I kept re-focusing on God's love. My body and my mind relaxed deeply, my restless heart resting in God. As I woke rested this morning, I continued this focus. I know I will have to let God draw me back, over and over, to that single focus on God's love through which all else shifts into divine balance. I know I am not capable of keeping that focus--but I don't have to be the one to make it happen.
Lord, help me focus my single eye on your love today, in all that I do (or don't do), trusting in your love as the ground of my being. Let all my choices today be made from knowing you love me as I am, as you are creating me to be, not as I try (and fail) to make myself in the image I have of the person who would earn your love. Into your care, Lord.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Contemplative on the Run?
I am recognizing that I am struggling with what may be irreconcilable "pressures." My desire has grown over many years to put God and prayer and spiritual growth before everything else, and that includes time each day in silence, seeking to hear more than to tell God. Yet I keep observing myself rushing around, often driven by anxiety and feeling pressure to do more, be more, have more (credentials, knowledge, approval, as well as "stuff"). I had an image yesterday that led to today's title, of a monk (or monks) rushing around trying to Get Things Done--it made me giggle, but it also made me stop and think.
In the online course I took earlier this year, Brene Brown says "the opposite of living in the present is busy," and muses about what it would be like to live on a human scale instead of constantly pushing to live beyond it, in ways that are not sustainable for human beings. Kind of radical, countercultural kind of thinking--which would require a lot of choosing and saying no to things that push me beyond human scale. But I really want to live in the present and to be present.
I am hearing in prayer that I must slow down in order to be who God is creating me to be, let my time for being in God's presence not be overwhelmed by the pressure to Get Things Done, especially for my boss. This is particularly challenging because I have a "part-time" job working for someone whose rhythm is: have an idea, do it yesterday, and always have more going on than can possibly get done. But I am also becoming more aware of what feels like damage to my soul and body and calling each time I get caught up in the "rat-race"--and I'm only working part-time. OK, God, I can see we're going to be working on this together a LOT, and I'm depending on you to guide me in how to navigate these streams going in opposite directions.
In the online course I took earlier this year, Brene Brown says "the opposite of living in the present is busy," and muses about what it would be like to live on a human scale instead of constantly pushing to live beyond it, in ways that are not sustainable for human beings. Kind of radical, countercultural kind of thinking--which would require a lot of choosing and saying no to things that push me beyond human scale. But I really want to live in the present and to be present.
I am hearing in prayer that I must slow down in order to be who God is creating me to be, let my time for being in God's presence not be overwhelmed by the pressure to Get Things Done, especially for my boss. This is particularly challenging because I have a "part-time" job working for someone whose rhythm is: have an idea, do it yesterday, and always have more going on than can possibly get done. But I am also becoming more aware of what feels like damage to my soul and body and calling each time I get caught up in the "rat-race"--and I'm only working part-time. OK, God, I can see we're going to be working on this together a LOT, and I'm depending on you to guide me in how to navigate these streams going in opposite directions.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Short and Sweet and Often, that's what I need to do here
As so often happens with me, I have gotten tangled up in wanting to write long blogs,wanting them to be perfect, not having time to really focus, and then putting it off. I want to start doing short frequent blogs.
What's happening with me? Good stuff!
I'm working at developing my spiritual direction practice: meeting with other spiritual directors (for a possible peer group and for networking, introducing myself to possible referral sources, and talking to people at my church (Ginter Park Baptist Church) so they know more of what I am up to.
I'm getting my new house in order, now have a very comfortable and lovely office/writing room. Here are two pictures:
I am really loving working more and more (for my job and for my vocations) at home!
More soon.
What's happening with me? Good stuff!
I'm working at developing my spiritual direction practice: meeting with other spiritual directors (for a possible peer group and for networking, introducing myself to possible referral sources, and talking to people at my church (Ginter Park Baptist Church) so they know more of what I am up to.
I'm getting my new house in order, now have a very comfortable and lovely office/writing room. Here are two pictures:
I am really loving working more and more (for my job and for my vocations) at home!
More soon.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Can I Get a Witness? I Choose LIFE
Since Thursday, I have been feeling the need for much calm and stillness. I am building a life where there is as much silence and stillness as I want/need. So the silence and stillness are there for me when amazing breakthroughs happen and I recognize and honor the need to let my psyche catch up with what breakthroughs imply for my life.
Thursday was a day of a HUGE coming together of many kinds of inner work, prayer, therapy, spiritual direction, and the work for this class. I met with my spiritual director before I listened to the audio, and a number of memories clicked to show me the source of so much of my anxiety and fear: the “rules” were ingrained in me from my birth, that my entire purpose was to meet my parents’ needs (including sexual needs of my father and emotional needs of my mother) within the closed system of the nuclear family. So all the ways I have resisted these rules:
doing my inner work,
becoming whole,
working hard to become competent in many ways,
seeking health, beauty, comfort and order in my life,
longing for love, truth, and integrity and seeking where they might be found,
letting in joy, color, music, movement and meaning,
and probably other ways of living my gifts and growing into my potential;
All of these have generated resistance to resisting the rules (“dueling resistances”!), in the forms of fear, isolation, numbing, anxiety, sabotage, self-hate talk/actions, destructive behaviors.
Then I came home and listened to an audio by Brene Brown (author of The Gifts of Imperfection, a life-changing book on developing shame resilience, and the focus of the eight-week on-line course I am in), on cultivating calm as an alternative to the “anxiety as a lifestyle” of my family-of-origin (and of much of society), and also felt so affirming of the work I have done. I studied Family Systems Theory for years (in the context of doing ministry, using Ed Friedman’s Generation to Generation), and I knew there was a LOT of anxiety and that it was getting in my way. And FST brought me a lot of insights and releases from some of this anxiety, but on Thursday the combination of spiritual direction and the audio focused intense and clarifying light on the choice(s) between anxiety and calm, and helped me to recognize how committed I am to calm (perspective, understanding, and mindful/managing of reactivity). I saw in new light the messages I had received that I have no right to life separate from my parents, no right to meet my needs, no right to joy, no right to love or health or beauty or success.
So I am going to replace the old “rules” that I have allowed to get in my way, with commitments that I now share with you:
I am responsible for only my own needs, and ONLY I am responsible for meeting my needs.
I will ask for help from people AND from God.
I am doing the work to which I am called (spiritual direction, writing, and witnessing to the healing process).
I am no longer waiting for the fear to stop; when I feel fear from my inner child/old self, I will use that as a guide to do the opposite of what the fear is telling me to do. (Insight from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield)
I let in beauty, comfort, health and order to all areas of my life.
I embrace the risks of letting in love, health, success, and prosperity.
I CHOOSE LIFE, SO HELP ME, GOD!
(“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Therefore choose life.” Deut. 30: 19)
Thursday was a day of a HUGE coming together of many kinds of inner work, prayer, therapy, spiritual direction, and the work for this class. I met with my spiritual director before I listened to the audio, and a number of memories clicked to show me the source of so much of my anxiety and fear: the “rules” were ingrained in me from my birth, that my entire purpose was to meet my parents’ needs (including sexual needs of my father and emotional needs of my mother) within the closed system of the nuclear family. So all the ways I have resisted these rules:
doing my inner work,
becoming whole,
working hard to become competent in many ways,
seeking health, beauty, comfort and order in my life,
longing for love, truth, and integrity and seeking where they might be found,
letting in joy, color, music, movement and meaning,
and probably other ways of living my gifts and growing into my potential;
All of these have generated resistance to resisting the rules (“dueling resistances”!), in the forms of fear, isolation, numbing, anxiety, sabotage, self-hate talk/actions, destructive behaviors.
Then I came home and listened to an audio by Brene Brown (author of The Gifts of Imperfection, a life-changing book on developing shame resilience, and the focus of the eight-week on-line course I am in), on cultivating calm as an alternative to the “anxiety as a lifestyle” of my family-of-origin (and of much of society), and also felt so affirming of the work I have done. I studied Family Systems Theory for years (in the context of doing ministry, using Ed Friedman’s Generation to Generation), and I knew there was a LOT of anxiety and that it was getting in my way. And FST brought me a lot of insights and releases from some of this anxiety, but on Thursday the combination of spiritual direction and the audio focused intense and clarifying light on the choice(s) between anxiety and calm, and helped me to recognize how committed I am to calm (perspective, understanding, and mindful/managing of reactivity). I saw in new light the messages I had received that I have no right to life separate from my parents, no right to meet my needs, no right to joy, no right to love or health or beauty or success.
So I am going to replace the old “rules” that I have allowed to get in my way, with commitments that I now share with you:
I am responsible for only my own needs, and ONLY I am responsible for meeting my needs.
I will ask for help from people AND from God.
I am doing the work to which I am called (spiritual direction, writing, and witnessing to the healing process).
I am no longer waiting for the fear to stop; when I feel fear from my inner child/old self, I will use that as a guide to do the opposite of what the fear is telling me to do. (Insight from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield)
I let in beauty, comfort, health and order to all areas of my life.
I embrace the risks of letting in love, health, success, and prosperity.
I CHOOSE LIFE, SO HELP ME, GOD!
(“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Therefore choose life.” Deut. 30: 19)
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