Over the past several months, I have been sensing God nudging me to do the footwork toward making spiritual direction, retreat design/leadership, and education a much bigger focus of my time and energy. I have been following this call for almost 30 years now, and it has been an amazing journey, with so many providential opportunities and connections, I can't even count them. Thank you, God!
But now that it is time to go out and offer these gifts to leaders and other spiritual directors and organizations, I keep balking and discovering in me fears and pride and my image of what it means to be "made in the image of God" (and I'm not there yet!). And the thought of asking people for donations so that I may remain available for this ministry (because otherwise I need to look for another job....), has been really scary! (I'm still wrestling with that one!) And what if--people don't like me, judge me because of ways I don't fit the socially-acceptable standards of appearance, don't want what I have to offer, reject me? What if?
So, do I really believe I am called, equipped, and being sent out to accompany others on their spiritual journeys? Do I really believe that all the gifts God has given me have value for others and that "my deep gladness [can meet] the world's deep hunger"? (Frederick Buechner, in Wishful Thinking) Do I really believe that "if we have sown spiritual good among you, is it too much if we reap your material benefits" (I Cor 9:11, a verse I have not thought of or read for many years until this moment!)?
My passion for growing spiritually (through prayer, reading, writing, studying) has always had as its purpose the deep call I sensed to walk with others as they seek their own growth. And I have always believed that "to each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good" (I Cor 12:7) So I am making the calls and showing up for the meetings and each time, I sense that I am where God wants me to be in that moment--and the people I am meeting with seem to feel the same way, as they are responding to me with grace and openness. I give thanks for each one, how much you are blessing me!
Several years ago, I was fussing at God over some trait in me that I could just not seem to change, and I heard, deep within me, very gently and with a sense that I was being lovingly laughed at, "You know, it's my job to create people in my image." And I've been doing a lot of work in the past couple of years around accepting that I am not perfect, never will be, and in fact was not created to be perfect (as the world defines it). (In particular, Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection was tremendously helpful with that.) So today and tomorrow and every day I will seek God's guidance and follow it boldly and prayerfully.
What's holding YOU back from being all that God is creating you to be? I'd love to hear from you!
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