Crawling Out from Under a Rock or...

Getting out of my head?  I've spent far too much of my life in my head.  I understand a lot of the why (because I've spent so much time thinking about it).  I'm done...sort of...I hope.  Ruminating, processing, trying to understand, letting my mind wander where it will, being fascinated with what goes on in my head: these are SO much "safer" than living with all of me which risks taking a lot of risks, letting others know who I am, wanting with more than just the part of me above my neck.

I've been chewing for several weeks on something from Matthew Fox's Original Blessing.  "The fall/redemption tradition is profoundly introspective, and introspection does not lead to cosmic relating or cosmic caring or cosmic celebration....For Augustine and the introspective tradition he launched in the West, ecstasy itself is interior only and is cut off from the cosmos.  God becomes excessively interiorized....The fall/redemption tradition considers the soul to be an interior dimension to our bodies, held in check by the cage that our bodies are." (pp. 76-77)  My initial reaction was "HEY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH INTROSPECTION."  And I've certainly learned a lot from these many years of trying to understand, especially why it's so hard for me to get out of my head (which is another way of staying IN my head, of course).  But lately this has me examining what I am doing when I introspect ad infinitum: much of it started as part of the process of healing from wounds of being used for the gratification of others (particularly by my father). 

But along the way, I have also focused a lot on "why am I so bad?" (or in theological language, sinful).  I equated feeling broken with BEING BAD.  And that kind of introspection cuts me off from my body (which I'm beginning to suspect was part of what Augustine may have been trying to achieve for himself...but that's for another post), and from grace, and from receiving unconditional love from God or anyone else, and from being part of creation.  I once said to a directee, "what are you looking at when you focus on your sinfulness?"  Not God, not love, not even forgiveness of the sinfulness, just how utterly awful I am.  What if I am good, even perfect (in the sense of complete, whole), because I am created in God's image?

I'm a long way from "done" with working through (yes, I see the irony...) what it would mean to live from acceptance of myself as I am, in each moment, as gift from God.  But I see the possibility of living from the wholeness of God's gift rather than from just the eight or so inches above my neck, as both risk and liberation in this life from the "cage of my body."  For today, that means getting this post written and published, and doing what my body and my home need to feel cared for.