A New Year, New Freedoms

2012 was an interesting year, much of it filled with learning about taking care of myself instead of taking care of others.  It's not that I can't be present with and for others, it's just (!) that I have spent so much of my life looking for where others NEEEEED me (whether they know it or not, or want my opinion or not) that it has been very hard for me to know what I want.  And I have realized that I can either keep looking at the world through the lens of "I've got the answer, I know what you need to do, listen to me", OR I can do what I've been saying for so long that I do want to do:  writing, being present with others in spiritual direction, and theologizing.  I can't do both.

So 2012 turned out to be a year of letting go (sometimes painfully) of seeking love through a codependent approach to being with people, of seeking validation through trying to be what other people want (I imagine) me to be.  And a year of learning to let myself want, to listen deeply for what gives me joy and allow myself to enjoy, savor, feel the pleasures of so many simple and ordinary things that I have often missed because I was attending to what others want instead of what I want.

One of the joys that  has become clearest is expressing my creativity through words.  I now have THREE (at least) ideas for books and have started one.  I have discovered joy in sharing Good News through writing that becomes preaching.  I have noticed recently that I'm relating differently to other people's words:  rather than looking for others to articulate what is in my heart, I'm reading more with an ear for how words and stories are put together.  A very recent (and rather startling) development is that I suddenly stopped journaling on December 19 (and I have been journaling for over 44 years, so this is a shock).  I'm sure I will journal again, but I notice that I am feeling impatient about piling up words that no one will see--which means it's time to set my words loose and trust the process.  So I'm starting 2013 with this blog post.  It's not a New Year's resolution (I don't believe those are helpful except to bully and shame myself into being what I am not in this present moment), but the beginning of my New Year's practice.

I also used to write poetry, and seeing the world with the ears of a poet is slowly coming back to life.  This is an old poem that fits today (poetry is funny like that, it often speaks truth in ways that I will only hear much later):

Insanity

I was crazy once,
And the world was upside down.
I had been crazy a long time,
And I didn’t know it.

The world began to tilt.

I was so afraid until
I learned this was right-side-up,
And it didn’t hurt so much.

I begin to learn the Center

So deep and still,
No place to hide,
And that is scary, too.

The Center begins to feel like home,

Where I can live deeply,
Trust, grow and love.
Now even the tilting world
Begins to feel safe.