Victim, Survivor, Witness

Somehow I thought becoming a blogger would be easier than this has turned out to be.  I got derailed in December by a bad cold that turned into a sinus infection (and realized I couldn't write with my head full of....well, enough said!).  I have lots of titles for possible blog posts written down, and may eventually get to some of them.  But this one is up in my face today, so here goes.

I have spent many years recovering from wounds of childhood sexual abuse, as I have mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts.  Along the way, it became important for me to move from identifying myself as a victim to claiming my identity as a survivor.  I have sensed for some time that my vocation as a person of faith includes being a witness (which includes being present to witness with others, as well as witnessing to God's power to heal), so it should not surprise me that I am now sensing another shift in my public identity, from survivor to witness. (And yet, although this is not the first time that God has moved me toward greater transparency as I seek to share what I have learned, I do still keep being surprised!)
Last week I watched a brief video reflection (a prelude to a series) by Catholic theologian James Alison, at the Raven Foundation (http://www.ravenfoundation.org/, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PsBTGKoOEsecting) on Jesus as the prototype of forgiving victim.  As I listened to him reflect on Jesus' appearance to Cleopas and another person on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-27, I could sense God moving me another step toward a different understanding of my own life narrative, with the image of Jesus as modeling forgiveness after his resurrection.  For the first time, I noticed what he did NOT do in this, one of his first recorded appearances after his death. Most of us who have suffered some kind of victimization go through stages of anger and longing for accountability, if not vengeance.  In the story, he does not say one word about what had happened to him, or demonstrate any attachment to the injustice and trauma he had experienced as part of his identity.

Although for many years I felt as if I would never be free of the need to deal with issues, and my understanding of my identity was very much shaped by the story of the abuse and my recovery from it, in the past year I have increasingly found new freedom from the emotional baggage of my past.  I believe that 2011 will be for me (by God's grace) a year of letting go of more old "stuff," including the habits and thought patterns and coping strategies that belong to the past, and a year of learning new ways to be in the world with the new identity/narrative that comes with keeping my eyes on Jesus instead of me.  I look forward to sharing that process (and other things) as I blog more regularly.

P.S. Thanks, Tripp, for drawing my attention to the Raven Foundation!