I'm doing a lot of work around letting go of old shame lately, through Dr. Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection and the Dream Lab (http://www.mondobeyondo.org/) on the book. Brene makes the distinction that shame is about feeling "I am bad" where guilt is about "I did something bad." A lot of my life I have felt that "I am bad," based on things that happened to me when I was too young to know the difference. I am becoming aware that this has often prevented me from feeling like I really belong, kept appropriate love at a distance, made me hesitant to ask for help, and/or made it difficult to have realistic expectations about what is possible for me to accomplish.
I do believe (with my head and part of my heart) that I am (and all of us are) made in the image of God. I want to believe that God loves me just as I am today, and that I am enough. It's not that I won't keep striving to learn and grow and become a better person, but what if shame gets in the way of even trying to be better? What if God believes in me WAY more than I believe in myself ? (I have told other people this about themselves, but my inner child has a hard time accepting that this might be true.)
I know that one way shame has gotten in the way in the past is that when I would begin a time of prayer, I would feel that I needed to list all the ways I had "fallen short of the glory of God" (as if I thought that by trying hard enough I would ever NOT fall short?) and beg (over and over) for forgiveness. Not too surprisingly, sometimes the prospect of this would keep me from even beginning to try to "hear" God. I know the difference now between the times when I really do need to confess, ask for (and accept) forgiveness, and then move on, and the times when I just want to be attentive and open to the presence of God. I have come to believe that God's standards for me are much more loving and accepting than how the perfectionist in me is always looking to criticize and judge.
Another way I have become aware recently that shame gets in the way is that when I am "in shame," it is very hard for me to be with other people, even for worship or fellowship. So I am not only resisting letting in God's love, but I am also staying away from the possibility of receiving human love. This reinforces the shame, making it harder to believe that I might be "worthy of love and belonging," as Brene shares in her TEDxHouston video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0, totally worth 20 minutes of your time!), just because I exist, which I couldn't do without the love of God.
The good news in all of this process has several parts. One is that during all these years, God has NEVER given up on me, and keeps drawing me near to God's heart, a moment at a time. Another is that I am beginning to understand that all of us have shame and we live in a shame-ridden culture, so I am not alone as a human, either. And it is possible to let shame go and learn, by God's grace, that I AM ENOUGH. I can relax into being just one of God's creatures, instead of the constant tension of trying to live as if I am the Creator (very exhausting and gets me into trouble every time). And here is the even bigger news: I don't have to be free of shame in order to be in relationship with God, and God is way bigger than shame and able to break through with love to the places in me that I wish I could hide from God and from other people.
I suspect I will have more to say about this as time goes on and the process of being healed of old shame continues, but today I really wanted to begin to share on this topic. What are the ways shame gets in the way of your relationship with God?
I must give credit to Brene Brown (http://www.brenebrown.com/) and The Gifts of Imperfection for sparking this reflection, and to the Dream Lab (http://www.mondobeyondo.org/) where a large group of people from all over the world are sharing in the process of letting go of shame that gets in the way of "wholehearted living." Stay tuned!
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