Today (Friday, June 15) is a glorious day and my morning walk around my neighborhood was such a joy. I am trying to be mindful and "in the present moment" as I walk, noticing the birds and squirrels and feeling the cool breeze in the sun as I walk. It's not easy being mindful when my mind is so full of plans and thoughts and ideas. I think I am being mindful and then I notice that I'm walking without noticing anything around me. Oops! Back to the present moment--for a few seconds, anyway.
Brene Brown (one of my favorite teachers) says the opposite of being busy is PRESENT. I think she is right. The busy-ness that is so prevalent in today's culture can sometimes become part of identity, a proof of one's value in the world. It can also mean that there are many activities that we enjoy and want to be part of. So I ask myself when I start feeling rushed, does busy-ness deplete me or nourish me today? What is it doing to my need for space to breathe into God, to reclaim my soul for a bit from the many demands for my attention?
I have been practicing coming back to the present moment in different ways for many years--and it is still so hard to stay present to myself and God for more than a few seconds. I find that wiggling my toes helps re-ground me where I am--Try it!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Glimpses into a New Reality--Indigent Health Care
My health insurance ended on November 30, 2012. At my age (any age, really), not having health coverage is pretty scary, but right away, a friend (timing by God, I am sure) gave me information on how to get into a local health care system for people with no insurance. Silly me, I didn't think this would take long....nor be so hard. I am learning about a reality a lot of people deal with all the time and for long periods of time.
I was accepted, but there are no "new patient" appoinments until February at the earliest and maybe not until June, I was told to go to the Emergency Room to get my maintenance presecriptions filled until I can get an appointment. Again, silly me, I didn't think it would take more than a couple of hours--but it took over six. And I was told that I need to access a "free clinic" system to get a primary care doctor since I have some conditions that would be better managed with "continuity of care." "Call first thing tomorrow morning," the very nice women said.
I agree that I would prefer "continuity of care," since some of the things I am dealing with should really be monitored by blood work every few months. But when I called the "free clinics" this morning, the first one told me they weren't accepting patients from the system I was accepted into. The second discovered that I am not actually in that system, but in the "Indigent Care" system, so all my medical needs need to be taken care of by the first system. When I called that system, that was confirmed, and I "just need to keep calling, ma'am."
I got three of my four prescriptions--for this month, anyway. But one isn't available (although I may be able to get it another way), and now I know I will have to go back in less than a month unless an appointment opens up. I am not complaining here, becauseat least I have some access to health care, but I also learned a whole lot from being part of this new (for me) reality. There are a whole lot of people who deal with this difficult process all the time for their entire families...and you can't work on a day when you have to try to get health care or prescriptions because it will probably take all day...and if you can't work and have children, you may have to take them with you to sit in waiting rooms where they may be exposed to other people's illnesses, because you almost certainly can't afford child care. But it's the only option you have to get care for illnesses that will only get worse and even life-threatening if they are not attended to--and you had better not lose your temper during the process, or leave because you can't stand waiting (one person did that), or you may not get the care you need...you certainly will not be treated with respect by (some of) the security guards who are there to keep everyone in order...quiet and complacent.
But the scariest thing that happened, that really brought all this home to me, was when a grandmother, whose granddaughter had wheeled her in to get prescriptions (minimum 3-hour process if you are lucky), started having seizures, BIG ones that almost put her on the floor. Her granddaughter started screaming for help, "This is a HOSPITAL, for God's sake, DO something." She seemed to think that we in the waiting room should be able to do something, even though most of us had no idea what to do. Thankfully, there were a couple of women who knew how to hold the grandmother and keep her from biting her tongue or hitting her head on the glass behind her. But in this hospital, less than two blocks from the emergency room, it took more than 20 minutes before EMTs showed up. I didn't see any of the several different security guards who came one at a time to look at the situation do anything (but maybe I just didn't see them...). Two doctors showed up (one from Allergy and Immunology) but they didn't appear to do anything, and an off-duty nurse started helping make the grandmother more comfortable. So this grandmother could have died there in the waiting room of the Ambulatory Care Pharmacy...the staff didn't seem to know what to do, so maybe there are no procedures for when someone in a waiting room full of sick people has a medical emergency. They certainly didn't seem adequate....
So: I am grateful that I was well enough and had the time that it took to get my prescriptions filled. And I am praying for that grandmother and her family, that she will get the care she needs. But my eyes were also opened WIDE to a reality I had never personally encountered before, only heard about. As far as I know, I will have to keep dealing with this for the foreseeable future--but most of these people do not have much if any hope of EVER getting health insurance, so this is their only hope of getting care. I don't know if there may be something I could do to help, advocate, or alleviate any of this. But I did feel that I needed to write this blog, because most of the people I know are probably as unaware of this reality as I was. If you have any suggestions or resources, I would sure like to know about them.
I was accepted, but there are no "new patient" appoinments until February at the earliest and maybe not until June, I was told to go to the Emergency Room to get my maintenance presecriptions filled until I can get an appointment. Again, silly me, I didn't think it would take more than a couple of hours--but it took over six. And I was told that I need to access a "free clinic" system to get a primary care doctor since I have some conditions that would be better managed with "continuity of care." "Call first thing tomorrow morning," the very nice women said.
I agree that I would prefer "continuity of care," since some of the things I am dealing with should really be monitored by blood work every few months. But when I called the "free clinics" this morning, the first one told me they weren't accepting patients from the system I was accepted into. The second discovered that I am not actually in that system, but in the "Indigent Care" system, so all my medical needs need to be taken care of by the first system. When I called that system, that was confirmed, and I "just need to keep calling, ma'am."
I got three of my four prescriptions--for this month, anyway. But one isn't available (although I may be able to get it another way), and now I know I will have to go back in less than a month unless an appointment opens up. I am not complaining here, becauseat least I have some access to health care, but I also learned a whole lot from being part of this new (for me) reality. There are a whole lot of people who deal with this difficult process all the time for their entire families...and you can't work on a day when you have to try to get health care or prescriptions because it will probably take all day...and if you can't work and have children, you may have to take them with you to sit in waiting rooms where they may be exposed to other people's illnesses, because you almost certainly can't afford child care. But it's the only option you have to get care for illnesses that will only get worse and even life-threatening if they are not attended to--and you had better not lose your temper during the process, or leave because you can't stand waiting (one person did that), or you may not get the care you need...you certainly will not be treated with respect by (some of) the security guards who are there to keep everyone in order...quiet and complacent.
But the scariest thing that happened, that really brought all this home to me, was when a grandmother, whose granddaughter had wheeled her in to get prescriptions (minimum 3-hour process if you are lucky), started having seizures, BIG ones that almost put her on the floor. Her granddaughter started screaming for help, "This is a HOSPITAL, for God's sake, DO something." She seemed to think that we in the waiting room should be able to do something, even though most of us had no idea what to do. Thankfully, there were a couple of women who knew how to hold the grandmother and keep her from biting her tongue or hitting her head on the glass behind her. But in this hospital, less than two blocks from the emergency room, it took more than 20 minutes before EMTs showed up. I didn't see any of the several different security guards who came one at a time to look at the situation do anything (but maybe I just didn't see them...). Two doctors showed up (one from Allergy and Immunology) but they didn't appear to do anything, and an off-duty nurse started helping make the grandmother more comfortable. So this grandmother could have died there in the waiting room of the Ambulatory Care Pharmacy...the staff didn't seem to know what to do, so maybe there are no procedures for when someone in a waiting room full of sick people has a medical emergency. They certainly didn't seem adequate....
So: I am grateful that I was well enough and had the time that it took to get my prescriptions filled. And I am praying for that grandmother and her family, that she will get the care she needs. But my eyes were also opened WIDE to a reality I had never personally encountered before, only heard about. As far as I know, I will have to keep dealing with this for the foreseeable future--but most of these people do not have much if any hope of EVER getting health insurance, so this is their only hope of getting care. I don't know if there may be something I could do to help, advocate, or alleviate any of this. But I did feel that I needed to write this blog, because most of the people I know are probably as unaware of this reality as I was. If you have any suggestions or resources, I would sure like to know about them.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Feeling Good/Feeling Bad...or All About God?
I have been saying (and praying) for years for God to be first in my life, in prayer and in action. I know that God has put this desire in my heart and brought me a long way on the journey that never ends. But I have been struggling for quite some time now (or many years, but only fairly recently has God been drawing my attention to it) with a flip-flopping that I am not happy about.
There have been many times in the past, when my spiritual life has been particularly intense, that sometimes I back off from intimacy with God (but God always draws me back...eventually). Lately God has been bringing to my awareness something that has been going on for a long time. When I feel most available to and "used by" God in prayer or in spiritual direction or in helping someone do something or in posting a blog or any other action that I feel good about, then I back off, distance myself from others and even from God, and certainly from feeling good about what has occurred, sometimes even sabotaging the delight/pleasure of the moment to the detriment of my health and/or sense of wholeness.
It feels to me as if my "old self image" (of being broken by abuse) is determined to cancel out who I know God has been creating me to be, my “new self in Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:17). I believe this is a cleansing of the old self image(s), and I do have a deep sense of God working even in the sabotaging. And as I look back over many years of spiritual journey and healing, I see how God has worked even in the lowest places of my life, including destructive behaviors and much sabotaging. So I can only pray for God continue drawing me into being free/available for service as and when God pleases. I know I cannot even make willingness happen, only pray for and respond when I have it, and pray and be gentle with myself when I don't.
And as I have been writing this, I have realized that "feeling good" about something God has done is my ego judging, just as much as is feeling bad about distancing behaviors. I want my life to be all about God instead of "all about me." I know that because I am human (and definitely not my Creator!), I will never “do it” (spiritual life, housework, blogging, service, or anything else) to my perfectionist standards. Letting go of perfectionism and of constantly evaluating/judging what is good or bad is a long process, very freeing, but even that is not in my power to make happen. And accepting that, as offensive to my ego as that is, is also something with which I need God’s help. I surrender, God!
And as I have been writing this, I have realized that "feeling good" about something God has done is my ego judging, just as much as is feeling bad about distancing behaviors. I want my life to be all about God instead of "all about me." I know that because I am human (and definitely not my Creator!), I will never “do it” (spiritual life, housework, blogging, service, or anything else) to my perfectionist standards. Letting go of perfectionism and of constantly evaluating/judging what is good or bad is a long process, very freeing, but even that is not in my power to make happen. And accepting that, as offensive to my ego as that is, is also something with which I need God’s help. I surrender, God!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Justice Spinning (Casey, Amanda, Memphis Three, Troy)
I've been thinking a lot about our "justice system" as the media have covered the cases of Casey (and Caylee), Amanda (and Meredith), the Memphis Three and Troy (and the police officer he said he didn't kill). It seems to me that we have come a long way from being able to trust that our justice system is actually discovering truth and dealing out just consequences for proven actions. The media coverage of these cases (including social media) seems to have taken on a role in influencing the outcomes of trials, and certainly the lives of those accused whether acquitted or convicted. And certainly money and access to media seem to have become important in the eyes of the lawyers, judges, and jurors. Family members and friends and people who had opinions spent enormous amounts of money, time and energy to free those they said were innocent; law enforcement and the justice system spent enormous amounts of money trying to prove they were guilty, all in the name of justice.
I am puzzled by Meredith's family continuing to insist that Amanda and Rafaele murdered Meredith, saying that they still believe that Meredith was killed by these two (and not Rudy Guede who is in prison for having killed her). I am puzzled by Mark MacPhail's widow continuing to insist that Troy Davis killed her husband, even though so many of the "eyewitnesses" have recanted their testimony. I am puzzled by the death threats against Casey Anthony after her acquittal. I am puzzled by so many of us having opinions about the innocence or guilt based on our intuitions about these cases. I know that I was participating by following these cases. And I know that I often have opinions about situations based on my perceptions and intuition. So I'm not claiming to be outside the problem here.
Obviously I cannot know whether any of these were indeed innocent of the crimes for which they were tried (and in Troy's case, for which he was executed). I prayed that Amanda (and Rafaele) would be released if they are innocent. And I hope they are....but I find myself hesitant to say I know they are innocent. Yet I would rather they be released if they were guilty than imprisoned if they were innocent. And I believe that God knows the truth, perhaps even more deeply than they do.
Our human justice system appears more and more to be distorted by money and competing interests and media influence. "Lady Justice" no longer seems to be blind. I do know people who have been acquitted justly, but I also know people who have been convicted and punished unjustly. But overall I find myself (and I'm not alone), not trusting the justice system, not trusting politicians (most of whom are lawyers....), not trusting government or the political process.
Our concept of justice has evolved from earliest understandings that truth must be discovered and actions must have appropriate consequences, for the sake of the whole community. We say that God is just and fair (but also merciful, thank You), and that is very important to our understanding of who God is and why we can/should trust God. My trust in God is sometimes challenged in the light of evil I see done and inherent in our power structures. We no longer (in most countries) require "an eye for an eye." But when we see boundaries violated in ways that come under the jurisdiction of the law, we hope for truth and just punishment.
Yet does our justice system function to provide that? Some of the time, yet, but we hear so many stories of prisoners who learn new ways of violence from other prisoners, and of abuses and suffering. We hear about tremendous profits from human trafficking, fraud, outrageous bonuses, drugs, slave labor and poor working conditions, and about other wrongs like bullying that is not stopped, domestic violence, disproportional incarceration of African-American men, and many other wrongs, I am sometimes tempted to despair when I see so much injustice, and so much apparent distortion of values and power and uses of money. I also have to look at ways that I benefit from or participate in abusive systems of power and systemic damage to the environment, the economy and to justice. But I always come back to remembering that I believe God to be both just and merciful, more powerful than human systems, able "by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than we can ask or imagine," (Ephesians 3:20) and I am renewed in my commitment to "do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).
I am puzzled by Meredith's family continuing to insist that Amanda and Rafaele murdered Meredith, saying that they still believe that Meredith was killed by these two (and not Rudy Guede who is in prison for having killed her). I am puzzled by Mark MacPhail's widow continuing to insist that Troy Davis killed her husband, even though so many of the "eyewitnesses" have recanted their testimony. I am puzzled by the death threats against Casey Anthony after her acquittal. I am puzzled by so many of us having opinions about the innocence or guilt based on our intuitions about these cases. I know that I was participating by following these cases. And I know that I often have opinions about situations based on my perceptions and intuition. So I'm not claiming to be outside the problem here.
Obviously I cannot know whether any of these were indeed innocent of the crimes for which they were tried (and in Troy's case, for which he was executed). I prayed that Amanda (and Rafaele) would be released if they are innocent. And I hope they are....but I find myself hesitant to say I know they are innocent. Yet I would rather they be released if they were guilty than imprisoned if they were innocent. And I believe that God knows the truth, perhaps even more deeply than they do.
Our human justice system appears more and more to be distorted by money and competing interests and media influence. "Lady Justice" no longer seems to be blind. I do know people who have been acquitted justly, but I also know people who have been convicted and punished unjustly. But overall I find myself (and I'm not alone), not trusting the justice system, not trusting politicians (most of whom are lawyers....), not trusting government or the political process.
Our concept of justice has evolved from earliest understandings that truth must be discovered and actions must have appropriate consequences, for the sake of the whole community. We say that God is just and fair (but also merciful, thank You), and that is very important to our understanding of who God is and why we can/should trust God. My trust in God is sometimes challenged in the light of evil I see done and inherent in our power structures. We no longer (in most countries) require "an eye for an eye." But when we see boundaries violated in ways that come under the jurisdiction of the law, we hope for truth and just punishment.
Yet does our justice system function to provide that? Some of the time, yet, but we hear so many stories of prisoners who learn new ways of violence from other prisoners, and of abuses and suffering. We hear about tremendous profits from human trafficking, fraud, outrageous bonuses, drugs, slave labor and poor working conditions, and about other wrongs like bullying that is not stopped, domestic violence, disproportional incarceration of African-American men, and many other wrongs, I am sometimes tempted to despair when I see so much injustice, and so much apparent distortion of values and power and uses of money. I also have to look at ways that I benefit from or participate in abusive systems of power and systemic damage to the environment, the economy and to justice. But I always come back to remembering that I believe God to be both just and merciful, more powerful than human systems, able "by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than we can ask or imagine," (Ephesians 3:20) and I am renewed in my commitment to "do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Why is sharing my writing so scary?
I love to write, and I do write a lot. But I am hitting some resistance about writing and "publishing" my blog on a regular basis. I feel big waves of fear when I think about publishing some of the short pieces I have written, or the books that are in my head to write. It really feels like sharing my writing is the spiritual equivalent of taking my clothes off in public.
I have read that lots of writers feel this way, and I have read writers talking about this. Natatlie Goldberg say "we have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say." (Writing Down the Bones) And that is hard, a lot like the degrees of difficulty of pursuing the spiritual life. But I have come to believe that no matter what awful things are in my heart, God loves and accepts me just the way I am--although always challenging me to keep growing into new life. So I guess I am afraid that "my readers" won't approve, like what I have to say, really "get" what I want them to hear. Hmm, looks like a control issue to me.
I wonder if letting my words go out into the world, for whatever purpose they serve, is somewhat analogous to what happens when I pray, that God responds not so much to what I ask for as by revealing to me what changes in me need to happen in order for me to keep growing. So I pray and I listen; if I publish, I may hear criticism or dislikes that will challenge me as a writer. Maybe writing without ever publishing is like only praying petitionary prayers and never listening for what God has to say?
I am going to publish this blog, right now! (Well, after I proof it!) I am not sharing this in the hopes that people will say "there, there, you're a fine writer," but because this is where I am struggling spiritually. And I am hoping that putting this out for anyone to read will help me begin to let go of my fears of being naked in publish (but I promise, I WILL keep my clothes on1).
I have read that lots of writers feel this way, and I have read writers talking about this. Natatlie Goldberg say "we have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say." (Writing Down the Bones) And that is hard, a lot like the degrees of difficulty of pursuing the spiritual life. But I have come to believe that no matter what awful things are in my heart, God loves and accepts me just the way I am--although always challenging me to keep growing into new life. So I guess I am afraid that "my readers" won't approve, like what I have to say, really "get" what I want them to hear. Hmm, looks like a control issue to me.
I wonder if letting my words go out into the world, for whatever purpose they serve, is somewhat analogous to what happens when I pray, that God responds not so much to what I ask for as by revealing to me what changes in me need to happen in order for me to keep growing. So I pray and I listen; if I publish, I may hear criticism or dislikes that will challenge me as a writer. Maybe writing without ever publishing is like only praying petitionary prayers and never listening for what God has to say?
I am going to publish this blog, right now! (Well, after I proof it!) I am not sharing this in the hopes that people will say "there, there, you're a fine writer," but because this is where I am struggling spiritually. And I am hoping that putting this out for anyone to read will help me begin to let go of my fears of being naked in publish (but I promise, I WILL keep my clothes on1).
Friday, August 12, 2011
Nugget for Reflection - The Prayer of Silence
Companions,
The wise tell us that God abides
In silence.
That God speaks in the silent serenity
of the heart.
Let us not speak of silence,
Rather, let silence speak to us
of God.
Together,
let us enter through the door of serenity,
the silence of our hearts.
The chatter of our tears, our angers, our anxiety,
the chatter of our desires and curiosity,
of our projected plans and unfinished work
falls away in serenity
and makes space.
An open space
to a new heart,
Created in the silence of prayer.
Created in the prayer of silence.
A heart that is free,
peaceful, quiet, and calm.
A heart that is one.
A heart so large and wide
that it embraces the God of all and the all of God.
The God who in silence speaks all languages.
The God who in silence speaks in all creatures.
The God who in silence speaks one word.
The God who speaks of Love.
Source: Benedictine Monks of Weston Priory
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Getting Out of God's Way
I think too much. And I often catch myself looking for "rules," magic formulas for being acceptable or belonging or being "good." And I am often distracted from action by a thought or a phrase or a word that sets my mind going. I wear out my mind way more often than I wear out my body. I have been aware for a long time that God wants more from me than my over-active head,
I also don't really know much about how to play--spontaneous, completely-in-the-moment enjoyment of just about anything that does not require processing, planning, or productivity. The one activity that has been consistently a source of relaxation is reading fiction--not even "good" fiction, but murder mysteries, fantasy, science fiction (yes, I know, that's "in my mind" again...God's working on this!). I also read some books over and over; I call this "babysitting reading," because it helps me stop thinking so much and working on who I think I should be.
I'm recovering from being addicted to working on myself--trying to change those things that I can't accept or that I perceive as getting in the way of who I think God is creating me to be. This includes processing, looking for answers in self-help books, other people's stories, even "prayer" that focuses too much on me and not enough on God or those for whom I know I am directed to pray.
It's been coming to my attention that these patterns (and probably many others) have a lot more to do with the self-image that I cherish as my identity than with being truly free for God to do with me as God desires for God's purposes. That self-image includes many labels from the past, many from the culture around me, and some from wishful thinking. I've tried to let go of many of these (which has required much thinking!), and to surrender others that I cling to for God to do the removal. And God has granted much relief.
But I still notice myself trying to figure out where God is going with me, what will be the results of this or that action, why things happen (in my life and in the world). What if I just show up, stay present in the moment and in all of my being (body and emotions as well as mind), and trust God to be God (instead of trying the do-it-yourself way, such a temptation to try to be God rather than being God's creature)? It's a scary thought, but it also looks like it might be way less of a burden than trying to think my way out of....whatever.
I want more than anything to love God and be present to God for whatever God wants to do with me--and no, I can't think my way into loving God more, either. God, help me love you and STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.
I also don't really know much about how to play--spontaneous, completely-in-the-moment enjoyment of just about anything that does not require processing, planning, or productivity. The one activity that has been consistently a source of relaxation is reading fiction--not even "good" fiction, but murder mysteries, fantasy, science fiction (yes, I know, that's "in my mind" again...God's working on this!). I also read some books over and over; I call this "babysitting reading," because it helps me stop thinking so much and working on who I think I should be.
I'm recovering from being addicted to working on myself--trying to change those things that I can't accept or that I perceive as getting in the way of who I think God is creating me to be. This includes processing, looking for answers in self-help books, other people's stories, even "prayer" that focuses too much on me and not enough on God or those for whom I know I am directed to pray.
It's been coming to my attention that these patterns (and probably many others) have a lot more to do with the self-image that I cherish as my identity than with being truly free for God to do with me as God desires for God's purposes. That self-image includes many labels from the past, many from the culture around me, and some from wishful thinking. I've tried to let go of many of these (which has required much thinking!), and to surrender others that I cling to for God to do the removal. And God has granted much relief.
But I still notice myself trying to figure out where God is going with me, what will be the results of this or that action, why things happen (in my life and in the world). What if I just show up, stay present in the moment and in all of my being (body and emotions as well as mind), and trust God to be God (instead of trying the do-it-yourself way, such a temptation to try to be God rather than being God's creature)? It's a scary thought, but it also looks like it might be way less of a burden than trying to think my way out of....whatever.
I want more than anything to love God and be present to God for whatever God wants to do with me--and no, I can't think my way into loving God more, either. God, help me love you and STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY.
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